Blue Collar Rejects

2006-10-03T16:27:00.000+08:00

MARKETING AND WHAT IT REALLY MEANS

have you ever picked up your favourite product and wondered "hey, wonder what this means?" Well, we at blue collar rejects are proud to reveal exactly WHAT they mean when they print something on their products.

- no preservatives = we make sure it spoils hours after you buy it so you have to buy another one

- keep out of reach of children = we don't want to get sued

- permitted preservatives added = we bribed someone to spray liquid nitrogen on all our products

- all natural = we were too cheap to process it

- organic = we dump shit on it and double the price

- toxic when swallowed = warning is not a challenge for you to eat this.

- sugar-free/fat free = we don't want to make it enjoyable for you

- on offer = no one wants to buy this

- keep in a cool and dry place = ie your empty cranium

- we care = money is god

AND NOW YOU KNOW!!

2006-09-27T20:48:00.000+08:00

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.

He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm, life isn't always fair, and maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn);and reliable parenting strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place.

Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job they failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer Panadol, sun lotion or a sticky plaster to a student; but, could not inform the parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar can sue you for assault. Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realise that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust;his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He is survived by three stepbrothers:I Know My Rights, Someone Else is to Blame, and I'm A Victim.

Not many attended his funeral because so few realised he was gone. If you still remember him pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.

2006-09-24T20:16:00.000+08:00

page 6.. the end

2006-09-22T14:24:00.000+08:00

page 5! hey hey hey!

2006-09-19T17:43:00.000+08:00

page 4!! and spammers go to hell!!

2006-09-16T14:06:00.000+08:00

proof that harry is THE ONE!!!

2006-09-14T13:47:00.000+08:00

page 3!! the killing scene!

2006-09-10T20:58:00.000+08:00

here's page two !!! oh yea this is done by none other than the talented a.a. wong! inspired by lau y.d.!

2006-09-07T14:13:00.000+08:00

alright here's page one.. click on it for a bigger pic

2006-09-03T15:07:00.000+08:00

here's the cover of the comic! sweet right?

2006-09-01T12:55:00.000+08:00

CHEMICAL E

alright folks, here's the long awaited series of the secret of national champions: Chemical E!

Henceforth is the report of me, Dr Dick Chan, on the compound EU-G3N3 TVN, or chemical E for short.

-composition:Chemical E appears to be lagely composed of complexed proteins arranged around a calcuim lattice, with large concentrations of haemoglobin suspended in it. It very dense and has a molecular mass of between 64 and 66.

-Chemical Properties: Chemical E exhibits high tensile strength, is neither malleable or ductile, and has no known melting or boiling points. It is largely inert when mixed with inorganic compounds, and our researchers' attempts to split, cut, bludgeon or otherwise affect the compound's physical state and shape have been negative. However, a chance breakthrough has shown that chemical E partially denatures when exposed to strong UV radiation for periods of 3 hours or more.

Results of studies:
- When exposed externally to it, subjects exhibited a diminished physical capability and lapsed easily into depression. Our team has theorised that since there is only one know enatiomer of chemical E, its adsorption onto sensory tissues such as eyes disrupt normal organ function. Strangely, all external recipients of the compound experienced tearing eyes and overstimulated vocal chords.

- when taken intravaneously in large doses, subjects experience a near fatal trauma, but upon recovery, appear to have increased strength and speed, as well as a natural disposition to aggression over and above the subject's original temperament. (For full details on this study see file marked lambda-miu D-zero-N)

- When taken intravaneously in small doses, subjects developed an addiction to chemical E, with minor improvements to physical attributes. Research is pending on this area, for latest updates, consult the team at Operation Ignition.

2006-08-25T18:06:00.000+08:00

THE SILENCED GUN - EPILOUGUE

I shot him. Two bullets to the head to be sure. But not before getting shot myself. His guest was faster than I thought. It was an angry looking woman, probably early twenties. I recognized her as one of his mistresses. The visit was very unexpected. It probably occurred to her to make a visit to her lover after discovering his other mistresses. Women always brought a world of trouble. She also brought the Arab's bodyguard up and he was the bastard that shot me. I killed my target, jumped out of the window, and ran to the woods. The adrenaline was pumping so hard that I didn't realize how badly I was hit till I was in the getaway car. So here I am, writing the last few moments of my life. I have a private doctor that I hire for this kind of situations but I don't think he will get to me in time.

So, we have finally reached the end. Or almost there. I can feel the grim reaper looming over me now. The world is blurring but I'm going to finish this. Every beginning has an end. The only thing that is certain in our lives is death. I believe the reason we live is to die, so that we can look back on our actions and judge ourselves. I only know that now. For all the hits I did, I always look into my victims' eyes. I thought maybe I could find the meaning of life in them, just as they were about to die. Now I know. Some of my targets seemed very much at peace with themselves when they are about to meet their end. There was a calm in them that I never understood until now.

Those that are calm have accomplished their goals, have reached their dreams. That's why they can die. They have led a good life, a fulfilling life. It is one they could look back on and smile. They probably had no regrets and could move on. Or they were just plain nuts. But I prefer the former explanation. Then there are those that will fight for their lives or be so terrified that they'd crap their pants. These are the ones that have so much to live for. They cannot bear to let go of their lives. Maybe they had something left to do, maybe they are unable to accept the end. It's all the same.

See? It's not so different. The assassination business and life. It starts off easy, then it gets tough. But we will forget the hardships and focus on the times we had fun. Even with troubled times, we will still keep moving forward to reach our goals. Then, it will end in death. All roads lead to the same end. As I write this, I reflect upon my life. I can say I’m pretty happy as to how it turned out. I can move on now.

Here's some piece of advice. Never give up. When the going gets tough, the tough get going. If there’s something you really want, go for it. I know you will be reading this and maybe laugh at a dying man's words. Let me assure you, one day, when your end is near, you will come to realize what I've come to realize. Live your life as it should be lived. This is John D. signing off.

And if you don't find a body next to this piece of paper, you're next on my list.

2006-08-18T20:18:00.000+08:00

THE SILENCED GUN - PART EIGHT

7.20pm. Only ten minutes left to go but john was on schedule. Today was the day. Today, death had business to conduct. John had his gloves and his padded shoes on. For equipment, he had flashbangs, a knife, an EMP grenade, a lock pick kit, his seven-inch knife, NVGs and a MK23 pistol fitted with a silencer. John was sneaking through the woods again with his NVGs turned on. Today, there would be no guards patrolling the woods so he didn’t have to worry so much. It was dead quiet and the only sound John could hear was his own breathing.

7.26pm. John had reached the brick wall surrounding the mansion. Four minutes to the change of the guard. John ran through the plan in his head again as he waited for the opportune moment. The plan was to get over the wall, avoid the camera, and sneak past the guard in the garden. The guard would most likely be looking to the west, where his replacement would be coming from so John could sneak to the East wing of the mansion without much trouble. He would pick the lock to the library, avoiding the cameras and motion sensors while moving to the study on the second floor. The butler would be in the kitchen telling the chef his master's choice of supper for the day so John had the Arab all to himself. No problem.

7.30pm. Go. John took a few steps back. He ran to the wall and jumped. He grabbed the top of the wall and hoisted himself over. His landing on the other side was cushioned by the soft grass. John took a quick glance to the guard and as expected, he was looking the other way. John bent low as he snuck to the library, using the hedges as cover. The camera was sweeping left and right. John had already timed the movement of the camera perfectly and timed his movements through the garden. He would always be behind a hedge when the camera was looking in his direction. John reached the library with no difficulty at all.

The lock was fairly simple to pick and required only a few seconds. The library was grand and had huge bookshelves. A vast amount of knowledge resided in the room. A pity he would not get to browse around. John moved to a winding wooden staircase, which led to the second floor. At the foot of the stairs, was a motion sensor. With his NVGs, John could see the thin laser beam across the first step. John easily stepped over the sensor and climbed the stairs, taking care to skip the seventh step, which creaked noisily.

7.38pm. He was in the corridor leading to his target's study. Two motion sensors and a security camera. Wasn't going to be a problem for him. John pulled out the pin of his EMP grenade and tossed it down the corridor. There was a "bzzz" sound and all the electronic gadgets were disabled temporarily. John sprinted down the corridor before the effects of the grenade wore off. A Venetian rug carpeted the floor so his footsteps were muffled. He reached the other side of the corridor just as the security devices turned back on. No problem there. In front of John was the door to the study. The door to his objective.

John pulled his MK23 and attached the silencer. He flicked the safety off. John placed his hand on the doorknob. This was the moment. Then, John distinctly heard the sound of a doorbell.

What the hell? There were not supposed to be any guests. John had already done all the checking. The Arab had no appointments at this hour and his friends were nowhere close by. This was going to be trouble. John knew what would happen. The butler would answer the door and show whoever the guest was to the study. John knew he only had minutes to spare. He threw the door open and stepped him, leveling his gun at his target's head. The Arab was sitting in his expensive chair and was turning the computer off. He froze in place as his eyes stared at the gun. John slammed the door shut and locked it with his free hand.

Before the Arab could react, John crossed the room in two strides and pushed the pistol against the Arab's head. John's left hand shot out and grabbed his neck. John forced the Arab to look at him in the eyes. His target's eyes were wide and full of fear, trying desperately not to look at John. John was satisfied.

"Wh...why?" the Arab managed to gasp.

2006-08-15T16:02:00.000+08:00

PROLBLEM SOLVED!
here are some actual maintainence logs of a well known airline, with the complaints by pilots marked as P and the actions taken are marked as S.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last..................

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

2006-08-10T13:04:00.000+08:00

THE SILENCED GUN - PART SEVEN

ah well, seems like everyone is divided on whether to continue the story.. i'll continue it ont the grounds that its sucks to leave it hanging like that.

Life will be full of adversity. We must adapt in order to survive. It is no mistake that after thousands of years human beings are still on this planet. We have evolved and become the best of the best. Natural selection they call it. If I had not adapted quickly, I may have been dead that day. It is the winners that take decisive action and never look back.

The wonderful thing about living is the ability to dream. To dream of greater things, to be more that we can be, to have a vision, to have an idea. Dreams are great because they have no limits and they stretch as far as our imagination will take us. Dreams will push us to do greater things in life. Julius Caesar and Alexander the Great had big dreams and they became men worthy of remembrance. What is my dream? At first, it was to make it big in the business, to be among the top. Now that I'm there, I have another dream. To leave a legacy behind, to have my name stand the test of time. Is that not a wonderful dream?

Dreaming is fun and all that but accomplishing them is no mean feat. Dreams are what we don't have. To achieve our dreams, we have to learn so many things in order to have the necessary tools to embark on our dream-hunting quest. Doing all the recon and surveillance is very much like the hard part of reaching the goal. There's no shortcut around it and it won’t be easy. We may bitch and moan about it now, always complaining how hard it is. But didn't we also complain how hard learning to spell was? How tough it was to learn something new when we were kids? All the pain and discomfort will only be a dream once the goal is achieved. I would always look back and think that it was no sweat, until the next time of course. Funny how people always remember the fun and try to forget the pain.

Enough of this philosophy talk. Onto the execution of the mission. There is a saying that "Failure to plan is planning to fail" or something like that. I had done all the proper preparations and everything was all set. The mission had already been accomplished in my mind. The execution is always easy if everything is done correctly. But, as with life, shit happens. That little random pocket of probability that feels like stepping into your life just at that moment in time. It is the kind of thing you can never plan for. One small thing is enough to ruin the whole party. It was that one small thing that got me where I am now, just on the brink of death. The thing is that even when we meet with these troubles, we must always pick ourselves up. When all hope seems lost, the only thing left to do is try. I always say that it is better to do something rather than let the situation control you. When a client pays, I deliver. Falling down is but a minor setback. The human spirit is tough stuff. We can always pick ourselves back up.

2006-08-07T16:17:00.000+08:00

LEARN CHINESE!!
here's a handy guide for those who are taking chinese exams at the end of the year!

Are you harboring a fugitive - Hu Yu Hai Ding

See me A.S.A.P. - Kum Hia Nao

Small Horse - Tai Ni Po Ni

Your price is too high - No Bai Dam Thing

Did you go to the beach - Wai Yu So Tan

I bumped into a coffee table - Ai Bang Mai Ni

I think you need a facelift - Chin Tu Fat

It's very dark in here - Wai So Dim?

Has your flight been delayed? - Hao Long Wei Ting?

That was an unauthorized execution.- Lin Ching

I thought you were on a diet - Wai Yu Mun Ching?

This is a tow away zone. - No Pah King

You are not very bright - Yu So Dum

I got this for free - Ai No Pei

I am not guilty - Wai Hang Mi?

Please, stay a while longer - Wai Go Nao?

Our meeting was scheduled for next week - Wai Yu Kum Nao

They have arrived - Hia Dei Kum

Stay out of sight - Lei Lo

He's cleaning his automobile - Wa Shing Ka

Does this bathroom stink! Hu Flung Dung?

2006-08-01T20:30:00.000+08:00

SECRET POWERS OF JUDOKAS

- Judo speed: the judoka is able to change from civilian clothing into battle-ready gi in under 30 seconds. however, like superman, he needs a convenient phone booth, pillar, or row of chairs to mask his transformation.

- Judo telepathy: judokas have the uncanny ability to find each other among a crowded common area, be it quadrangle or canteen.

- Judo resilience: the judoka is able to endure a force akin to being thrown 50 times in 1 minute.

- Judo endurance: the judoka is able to hold push up postion for one hour.

- Chemical E : similar to a STIMpak, this unkown compund triples the abilities of the judoka at the cost of a measure of sanity and/or bodily harm.

sorry it's kinda short.. gonna make up for it with an article on chemical E!

2006-07-29T14:17:00.000+08:00

THE SILENCED GUN - PART SIX
7:00pm. The man sat down behind his desk and turned his computer on. Right on time. Perfect consistency. John smiled to himself as he watched through his binoculars. The Arab was in his study and would be going through his email in a few minutes. The study was on the second floor and in the east wing of the building. It had a large bulletproof window for its occupant to look out upon the garden. It also allowed John to look right in.

The Arab was methodical and followed his schedule to the minute. John always liked a man who could follow plans. He would be totally predictable. John continued to watch his target with his binoculars. It had a camera attached to it and it was relaying all the footage back to his computer ten kilometers away. John paid attention to every little detail, even though he had seen it all before. John then turned his attention to the garden. A guard was making his rounds in his intimidating suit and his MP5A4 in his hands. In another half an hour, the guards would change. The garden had many hedges and exotic plants, providing excellent cover. There was only one camera covering the garden and no motion sensors. John had already decided that it would be his point of entry.

The sound of footsteps disturbed his thoughts. John's senses immediately snapped into action. His eyes darted around and his ears tensed, waiting for the next telltale sign. There it was again, on the left, about twenty meters, most likely less. John's mind was already in full gear. He had anticipated this and had a plan. He grabbed his gear and stuffed them down a small black bag as quickly and as quietly as possible. It was dark and there was no light to help John, not even from the moon. If he had stretched out his hand, he would hardly be able to make out its shape. John reached into his bag and pulled out a pair of night vision goggles. He put them on and switched them on, turning the darkness into a light green.

The guards were approaching fast and they didn't bother being quiet. They all had MP5A4s and high-powered torches. John didn't look in their direction. The light generated from the torches would blind him since he was wearing the NVGs. John covered up the spot he had been camping at so as to leave no traces and proceeded to move away from the guards. He intended to make one big round the woods and come back to his current position. He still had some more reconnaissance to do. John picked his steps carefully, avoiding breaking any twigs or stepping on dried leaves. Anything out of the ordinary was sure to be picked up by the guards.

John had a rough map of the woods in his head and he was moving in a circular path. Unfortunately, the guards seem to be doing the same thing. John's instincts urged him to quicken his pace but his training told him to take things steady. Haste makes waste. As he moved, John looked for hiding spots. A bush, a tree or even just a hole in the ground. The guards were close now. He had to find a place to hide. His eyes scanned his environment for suitable hiding spots. The tree there? Too small. Climb up that one? Too noisy. The bush? Maybe? No, not safe enough. Where? That tree!

John had found his spot. He crept to the tree and leaned against it. He turned his NVGs off and waited. John pulled out a seven-inch blade and held it close to his chest, just in case. If he was found, he intended to get out alive. Beams of light swept left and right, searching for any suspicious object. John closed his eyes and tried to relax his tense body, and at the same time running scenarios through his head. He could see them now. The guards were moving quickly, anxious to finish their rounds. John held his breath as one guard approached the tree. His flashlight was shining elsewhere so John was safe, for the moment. The guard moved even closer. John tightened his grip on his blade and prepared to make his move. The guard was just inches away and his back was turned to John. One step back and he would be found out. John raised his blade… and the guard moved off.

They continued to make their sweep through the woods. John allowed himself to breathe again. That was close. He noted the time on his watch. He would have to record how often they made sweeps of the wood as well. He turned his NVGs back on and moved back to his original position to continue his surveillance.

2006-07-25T21:13:00.000+08:00

THE SILENCED GUN - PART FIVE

He had three mansions across the globe, one in America, one in Hong Kong and one in the UAE. Each of the three mansions was heavily guarded by his own personal battalion of guards and the latest in security technology. Not to mention the guard dogs and the police that he paid off to do regular patrols round his mansions. Security cameras, tripwires, motion and heat sensors. You name it, he had it. The poor guy had every right to be paranoid. Firstly, he had to guard against the over ambitious burglar. Secondly, he had to guard against the Mafia and the triads, who he had crossed on a few occasions. I would say the money he spent on the security was a pretty good investment. The Arab had transformed his homes into forts, albeit very classy ones with ancient roots. From the reports that I received, I read that he hardly left his homes and when he did, he would bring his whole security entourage with him.

If he left his homes, it would make the job easier for me. Unfortunately for me, he wasn't going anywhere for the next month. Unfortunately for him, that wasn't going to stop me anyway. The information I had about him was mostly about his past. Now, I had to know about his future. Where he would be, when he would be and what he would be doing. I had quite a wide variety of surveillance equipment. During the course of a month, I shadowed my target around. He was in his mansion in Hong Kong and didn't move about a lot. I spent most of my time sneaking around the woods around his mansion with a camera, taking snap shots of what he did. I would pin the black and white photos up on a board and track his movements, recognizing patterns and detecting anomalies.

I was always out there, every day of the damned week, whether it be rain or shine. It was hard work and required a lot of mental discipline. I think that’s what makes the difference between somebody who is good at what he is going and somebody who is great at what he is doing. The ability to soldier on even when a billion obstacles are hurled his way. That is mental discipline, the power of the mind to overcome the limits of the body. For many times that month, I laid in the mud with rain and wind lashing at my body while taking photos. My body would scream with the pain of fatigue and cramps would try to rack my body. Somehow, I would always find a little bit of reserve energy to keep on going.

Besides the weather, there were also the guards to contend with. Ex- Navy SEALs, Special Forces, U.S. army rangers and Gurkhas. These guys were not the rent-a-cop kind. I can still remember evading them in the woods.

2006-07-23T15:21:00.000+08:00

THE SILENCED GUN - PART FOUR
Back to the story. The target was a rich Arab businessman who was in the oil business. Why he had to die was not important. Too many questions are not encouraged in my line of work. After all the details were finalized with my client, I got to work. After the easy part, the hard part will always follow. I had to find out everything about the target, from what he eats and drinks to whom he sleeps with. Acquiring all the details is extremely important as they can mean the difference between success and failure. The first rule is to know thy enemy. If you know what you're up against, overcoming it becomes a whole lot easier. An entire month was spent on this phase of the operation and it wasn't fun. Not fun at all.

Doing research and surveillance for an assassin is like doing paperwork for an office worker. Everybody hates it but it has to be done. It is in going through all the pain that we can truly appreciate our efforts. We must work for what we want and we get back how much effort we put in. When doing a job, I put in my one hundred percent and I expect no less in the returns.

Getting information is easy. Getting information without attracting attention is hard. Anonymity is how I survive and by attracting too much attention, I compromise my own survival. It is always best to attack an unsuspecting target. As usual, I called my usual contacts to find out as much as I could about the Arab. With the prices that I was paying, I received all the information about his past that I needed. He was born into a wealthy family and pretty much had plain sailing throughout his life. He got into all the top schools, which was arranged by his family, and graduated with honors, which was also paid for. The man had no family of his own which made matters less complicated but had a large circle of friends. He had inherited the oil business once he got out of the university, making him immensely rich. And deeply paranoid. Those that have everything are always the most fearful because they have the most to lose.

2006-07-20T16:17:00.000+08:00

THE SILENCED GUN - PART THREE
Let me start at the beginning. The very beginning, when we are all fresh out of our mother's womb and thrust into this new world kicking and screaming. We are given everything that we need. The start is always fun. We don't have to do much at the start, just take things as things go. Our main aim would be to suck on a nipple. However, when all the adults look at us they will be thinking, "he is going to be a doctor", or "she is going to be a lawyer" or some other dream they have for us. Big things are expected of us at the beginning. It is only later that they will come to realize the cost of bringing us up.

The start of a contract is very much akin to the start of our lives. For a case study, I'm going to use the contract that landed me here. Damn, this is really sounding like an essay. But now, I'm getting lightheaded and don't really care that much anymore. Anyway, I got the contract from an anonymous party. I prefer to have no identities involved. It keeps me clean and it keeps the other party clean. As long as they pay up, I don't ask questions. And if they don'’t, they're next on my list. Everything in this world can be traced if you look hard enough. It's just a case of whether you have the ability and the need to do the tracing. Normally, I don't have to chase down any payments. This time, I could trust the client. I have done a few jobs for him before and so far, he could always make payment on time. The start of the contract is always fun and games. All the basics are given to you, like who is the target, what he does, so on and so forth. I just have to sit back and absorb the material given. Then there's the matter of price of the hit. The price is always steep when professional services are in demand. The clients always forget how high the prices can go but they always pay in the end, after they get over the initial shock.

See the similarities? It's almost uncanny. People come to me because they see the potential in me, just like how parents see the potential in their kids. They pay for the costs no matter how it will go, all for the sake of realizing their child's potential. In my case, clients pay to have a hit done and they'd pay as much as it would take.

2006-07-17T16:10:00.000+08:00

THE SILENCED GUN - PART TWO
Let me get started with what I really have to say. Sitting here slowly bleeding to death really opens new windows of thought for me. I've thought about life and my business of ending it. Normally, I don't think so much. It just turns into an ugly voice that many of you call conscience but since I will most probably do no more killing, I guess I can finally listen to my conscience. I haven't heard any word from God yet if you're wondering but maybe that's because I sold my soul to the devil already. I doubt that improved any of my approval ratings with God.

I don't do it for the violence or the money. I don't even take much pleasure in ending lives. So don't label my as a mercenary or blood loving manic. That would just be rude. I take pride in my craft and that's why I do it. Because its an art and should be kept alive. I've tried to keep it alive as long as possible but the fact is that the assassination business is dying. When I say assassination, I don't mean any of those pathetic hits done by thugs. I mean the real deal, the stuff professionals do. It is in taking lives that I can fully understand what life is.

Many times I have said that it was fate that pushed my down this path in life. But now I know I was wrong. There is no fate, no destiny. We are the ones that control our lives and nothing more. Fate is only for the weak that cannot accept how messed up their own lives are. I started my line of work as a means to survive initially. I thought fate had left me no other choice but on looking back, it was I who chose to be an assassin. I could have gotten by doing odd jobs or some construction work. It was my lust for money that made me choose the more lucrative profession. From there, I came to love the art and money became of little consequence to me. Every decision I have made was made wholly by me. We are masters of out destiny and are held accountable for whatever we take. In life, we are the ones driving the boat, not anyone else. I spit on those that blame their lives on fate and bad luck. They are the ones who cannot be bothered to make a stand, to change what is wrong. Only those that have the strength and will to break out of the chains of normality can proceed to do great deeds.

That was basically my life. Breaking out of the path that society so persistently tries to push me onto. Society says that we need education. Now, I don'’t dispute the merits of education. It's just that in the modern world, society gives people their meaningless lives. Most people just get an average job, start an average family and lead boring lives, never chasing their dreams. Because there is no space for dream chasers. You either make it to the top or stumble and fall into the pits of failure. The risks are too great. Why bother chasing dreams when you can have a safe life that gets you by till the day you die? I have seen so many people with dreams of grand splendor only to have them crushed by the gears of society.

Maybe I am boring you. What I have to say sounds pretty much like an essay doesn't it? Well, maybe I should tell you how I ended up like this. How John D. ended up writing his last words in a pathetic broken and abandoned house. Not the end I had imagined but I take whatever life hands me. After all this thinking, I realize that life is much like the business of killing. Ironic isn’t it? The two opposites have something in common. Well, I guess you can apply this to other professions but I wouldn't know for sure. My business is just that of ending lives.

2006-07-14T21:41:00.000+08:00

THE NAME GAME!

so you've got that dcdc band or team, and all you lack is a name. have no fear, the Blue Collar Rejects Name Generator will save you! simply pick a prefix and a sufix and viola! you have a killer group with a name to match!

prefixes: the

- flying
- black
- white
- iron
- gold
- infernal
- jade
- order of the
- bronze
- green
- prancing
- soaring
- howling
- triumphant
- creeping
- celestial
- burning
- ruthless
- eternal
- dying

suffixes: feel free if you need to pluralise it!

- dragon
- unicorn
- rose
- stallion
- donkey
- maiden
- legion
- monkey
- angel
- demon
- warrior
- king
- soldier
- death
- life
- heaven
- hell
- vampire
- fairy
- wizard

2006-07-11T19:19:00.000+08:00

THE SILENCED GUN - PART ONE

this is the first of a very special contribution from a very special contributor. enjoy!

John D. That's my name if you're wondering who I am. If that name has no meaning to you, then you shouldn't be reading this. You should stop now and put the paper down but I doubt you will listen if you're just a civilian. Curiosity drives our thirst for knowledge. It also happens to kill the cat. If you're just an average Joe, a civilian, then you're the cat. Put the paper down and run away as fast as possible. That's my advice to you, take it or leave it. Most likely, you would want to call the police or inform somebody. After all, you most probably found this next to a dead body. Do not do so. The proper authorities would find the body in due time. If you have already called the police, I suggest you take your belongings and disappear. Many people would want you dead. And if you haven't figured it out yet, that's my body you found.

By now, the people who shouldn't be reading this should be gone. And now, I'm addressing those of you who know me, or at least like to think that you know me. Let me tell you this, you don't know me, even if you like to think that you do. I was half a ghost in the world and now, I'm going to be a full ghost. It's funny how things turned out. Who would have thought that I would have fallen so fast, when I'm in my prime? But that's life. You can have everything that you ever wanted and suddenly BAM, life hits you in the face with a sledgehammer and you're back to square one. For me, I don't think I'm going back to square one. For me, it's going to be square zero.

For a good part of my life, I've been a ghost. Most of you would have known I existed but only in stories. I was close to being a legend, or a myth, depends on which way you want to look at it. So maybe that's why I'm writing this down now. I really feel the end now. I've been close to the edge many times but this time's different. I don't think that I will be able to climb my way out of this one.

Most of my deeds would not go unnoticed. But my passing from this world would probably be unknown. I know you would keep my death a secret and use my name to strike fear in your enemies' hearts. My name may live on but it will just be an empty shell. I guess what I'm saying is that I'm writing this as my final words to this world. I'm writing this so that maybe one day, I may be remembered as something else besides an assassin. But if I know my enemies well enough, you would probably keep this hidden for many years, until it can do no harm to you. This simple piece of paper would probably be carefully preserved and stashed into your secret hoard of priceless treasures. This document would indeed be priceless and it may be the only piece of paper with my writing on it in the world.

2006-07-09T20:30:00.000+08:00

/wwtA WHOLE NEW WORLD - JUDO VERSION

this is a song sung to aladdin's "a whole new world" with judo inpired lyrics. a big hey to beepee! enjoy!

[sensei]
i can show you my gi

dirty stinky and smelly

tell me my friend when did

you last make your opponent fly?

i can open your eyes

show you combi's and counters

front-back, sideways and under

all from one harai

a whole new world

a new fantastic point of view

i'll tell you when to go

enter osoto

till the mats are steaming

[student]
a new dojo

a burning hell i never knew

but when i'm way up here

my only fear

is that i end up in a hospital (end up in a hospital with you)

unbelievable sights

indescribable feelings

soaring tumbling and fleeing

from relentless hci

[duet]

A new dojo (Don't you dare close your eyes)

A hundred thousand things to see (Hold your breath if he chokes you)

I'm like a shooting star

I've thrown so far

I'm not the wuss I used to be

A whole new throw (Every turn a surprise)

With new horizons to pursue (Every time ill get better)

I'll throw them anywhere

There's time to spare

Let me share this whole new world with you

the old dojo

That's where we'll be

A thrilling chase

A wondrous place

For you and me

2006-07-01T10:49:00.000+08:00

BEER JOKES!

- Tiger is a Singaporean beer. hence in true Singaporean spirit, it must be cheap!

- NEwwater is actually the byproduct of Tiger Beer production.

- whisky before beer, never fear. beer before whisky, very risky. beer and yudon, armageddon!

- If your doctor warns that you have to watch your drinking, find a bar with a mirror

- beer can cure all problems in exchange for a few minor setbacks. like liver cancer. but who wants to live a long unhappy life?

sorry this post is a little short.. frankly beer is a serious business

2006-06-18T13:02:00.000+08:00

FUN FACTS

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death!

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour. wonder who tried it out?

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.for something that eats pond scum..

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.

Butterflies taste with their feet.

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.

A cat's urine glows under a black light.

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that too.)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. why not pigs or lions?

2006-06-12T09:18:00.000+08:00

WORDS OF WISDOM

this is a list of things that people should know or practice, but don't.

- white clothes and barbecues don't mix

- always take a leak before you leave the house. it ensures your fly is up

- lighters are not torches

- lighters are not flamethrowers

- do not check if a weapon is working by looking down it's barrel

- deep heat is not meant for the neck

- DON'T STICK OUT YOUR HAND!!!!

2006-06-05T18:58:00.000+08:00

THE SIGNALLER

- a signaller is a person in charge of communications between units on a battlefield

- a good signaller can turn the tide of a battle

- so can a bad signaller

- a smart signaller can read morse code messages instantaneously

- a dumb signaller checks if the signal tube is working by looking down it ( also applies to guns, lightsabers and bazookas)

- an sji signaller would be too busy setting up trip flares in the latrines to signal any one

- an ac singaller can buy mobile phones and accopanying WAP access for every soldier in the army

- no one can understand a hci signaller because he signals in chinese

- an ri signaller is too busy hacking into min def mainframes to signal anyone

- a cj signaller cannot signal anyone because he has sold all his flares and lightbulbs to zouk.

thanks to naBeh for this idea!

2006-05-28T19:11:00.000+08:00

HOW TO BEAT..

a handy dandy guide on how to beat a member of any CCA in a fight!

- Judo: take off your shirt

- rugby: pass the ball you are holding to someone else. then bite him.

- basketball: crouch down near his feet. with luck, he won't see you from that altitude

- soccer: remove your shoes and set them down around 10 steps apart. throw any round object at his head.

- fencing: rely on this principle: metal rods are made to conduct electricity.

- canoeing: kick his legs.

- cross country/track: punch his face

- swimming: run (key word is run) away!

- badminton/tennis: set up a net between the 2 of you. he will never cross it

- ODAC: abandon hope all ye who attack an ODACer!

2006-05-20T20:52:00.000+08:00

IRON MAIDEN RANDOMNESS!!

imagine if we did a video or skit of this..

scene: Bruce(B) and Dick(D), our stars, meet by coincidence in a when they're walking alone through a park

B: WAZZAP!! how's my favourite trooper?

D: wow, strange world isn't it my blood brother?

B: i hear you're quite the weekend warrior now!

D: yea... the way i see it, heaven can wait as long as i'm running free.. how about you?

B: hah i'm a man on the edge.. kinda attached..

D: holy smoke! to who??

B: a girl called Charlotte.. i met her back in the village..

D: no! Charlotte the Harlot?! dude, you're wasting love man! she's got her hooks in you!

B: no man! she's changed! her love runs silent and runs deep.. *eyes glaze*

D: man come on! if you and her had kids they'd be children of the damned!

B: you know what? that's it! since you went off to study you've become nothing but an educated fool!

D: hey!i'm concerned for you.. you haven't heard of the evil that men can do! she'll tie you in chains of misery! you're playing with madness!

B: that's it! you're going down you woman in uniform!

D: so you want to set a duel? tonight. midnight. 22 acacia avenue. be quick or be dead.

B: (falters) hey i can't *mumbles* i got an appointment at 2 minutes to midnight..

D: right.. like you won't run to the hills as soon as i leave..

B: look how about 2 am ?

D: hah.. i may as well bring your daughter to the slaughter in the mean time..

B: look you've never even met my daughter.. leave her out of it ok?

D: oooo... don't think i'm afraid to shoot strangers..

B: you know i bet you don't want it at 2 am cos you have a fear of the dark..

D: no more lies you powerslave! 2am it is! maybe you would have had some revelations by then..

B: oh yea? well i live my way.. remember tommorrow!

if you didn't get any of the above, find a list of iron maiden songs and compare it.

2006-05-13T19:35:00.000+08:00

PROOF THAT THE ARMY IS CRAZY

these are some excerpts from the book "secrets of passing your IPPT & NAPFA" that was given to me after my checkup. it has since inspired me to aspire to expire by ceasing to respire ie. i feel like strangling myself after reading it.

- (on appropriate training attire) "they must, however, cover enough body parts so you won't get arrested!"

- "when working with machines, do not stick any body parts (yours or others') in the machines' moving parts"

- (on warming up) " you could jump around on a spot ( give spot a bone first, so he would not get too upset) walk Spot, chase Spot.." (accompanied by a picture of a dog)

- on sit and reach: " studies have shown that claiming ownership to large body surface areas and generous amounts of stuffing does not make you any less flexible."

- ( on standing broad jump (SBJ)) " if you falter in your training, think hard buns (no, not the Gardenia variety)"

- advice on SBJ training: " stadium bleaches( i quote exactly) present wider landing services, so the chance of tripping and leaving your face imprint on the steps is reduced"

- (more SBJ crap): ".. not the broad.. the jump!"

- " ah, how spandex inspires!"

- "pain is not a challenge to work harder"

- (on the importance of exercising all parts of the body) " running with company will not help [build arm muscle], unless you're carrying them under your arms!"

and the coup de grace ( that's when the commander of a firing squad puts a bullet between your eyes):

- " the race to get fit has resulted in many knees opting for early retirement. Most of them are now residing in the Knees Retirement Home somewhere in Bukit Batok."

if you want to borrow this joke-filled publication, please feel free. or you could always wait till your checkup.

2006-04-29T18:20:00.000+08:00

SHUAIGE'S RULES OF LOVE

sji guys seem doomed to have screwed up love lives, and most of them end up dead, celibate, gay or female within 8 years of graduation. here's some golden rules to help extend your lifespan. please note they are not numbered as all the rules should be number 1. we should know through experience.

- never date a classmate, especially in an all boys school. it will make break ups (especially hostile ones) that much messier

- never fall in love with a lesbian. ever. no, seriously.

- don't date a girl who is a different religion from you. unless she's hindu.

- when you're around members of the opposite sex, make sure blood is flowing to your brain and not in the opposite direction

- always maintain eye contact. remember, eyes are in the face

- make sure her parents know of her existence by her introduction, not by them opening her locked door

- never drink with a girl, even (or especially) if you know you won't remember what happens next

- if there is an age gap of 6 years or more and either of you is still schooling, forget it

- the tongue is for speaking purposes only

- it is always better to be overdressed than under dressed as long as you're not better dressed than her

and the number 1 rule of number 1 rules:

- timing is everything. too quick, and it will end in pain and possibly pregnancy. too slow, and it won't even start.

special thanks to my stepping stones to insanity Milo and Gula Melaka! Rachel Harmony to all!

2006-04-23T20:34:00.000+08:00

IF THE BIBLE WAS DOTAFIED II

just imagine...

{Jesus just pawned lucifer}

{Jesus is BEYOND GODLIKE!!!}

peter:lol

jesus: i bet u wanna change team b4 game is over

peter: never!

{Judas the Traitor has pawned Jesus for 20 pieces of silver!}

{Jesus the Saviour has fallen}

peter: .. can change team? pls? pls?

moses: r u 1stborn?

jesus: .. eloi eloi, lema sabachtani?

[ peter uses shackles on some creeps]

moses: let my ppl go!!

peter: nOOb

- please note that this article is tongue-in-cheek and not meant to marginalise christians. if you are unhappy with this article please email me so i can DoTAfy other religions to even things out

2006-04-17T20:36:00.000+08:00

IF THE BIBLE WAS DOTAFIED...

a few days ago while under the influence of pizza, the black brigade was disscussing what would happen if biblical figures became DoTA heroes, and some possible abilities they would have. here's what we came up with.

Daniel ( the dude who got thrown into the lions' den.): hero is immune to damage from creeps and any attacks from a demon witch

Noah: can summon an ark to drop from the sky and a stampede to run out, damaging and stunning all those hit

Peter: has the Shackle ability. can transform into a rock, upon which a special building called a Church can be built, which functions like a tower except it has a 77% chance of casting conversion on its target

Isaac: his main ability is when his hp reaches 1, he is instantly teleported back to base, while a sheep will appear at his previous position.

Moses: can part the rivers so creeps may cross it. has 10 different abilities (each corresponding to a plague) and must use each one in quick succession. however, it takes him 40 years to return back to his base.

Judas: class: traitor. gets an extra 20 gold ( equivalent to 30 silver) after killing a frindly unit.

Jesus: class: saviour. has a chance to convert with each attack. each of these converts also has a chance to convert with their attacks. can walk on water. respawn time: 3 days.

God: a walking firebush

Lucifer: oh wait...

stay tuned for part 2!!

2006-04-14T07:46:00.000+08:00

THINGS YOU SHOULD NEVER EAT IN A MOVING VEHICLE

- laksa

- toast

- eggs of any sort, but especially sunny side up

- anything on a stick. unless you need a third nostril

- spaghetti: especially when raw

- anything you haven't eaten before. the new tastes might have adverse reaction

- durian. your passengers already have enough ways to die

2006-03-23T17:29:00.000+08:00

WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK..

Things that are difficult to say when you're drunk...

a) Innovative
b) Preliminary
c) Proliferation
d) Cinnamon

Things that are VERY difficult to say when you're drunk...

a) Specificity
b) British Constitution
c) Passive-aggressive disorder
d) Transubstantiate

Things that are ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE to say when you're drunk...

a) Thanks, but I don't want to sleep with you.
b) Nope, no more booze for me.
c) Sorry, but you're not really my type.
d) hey do you know i'm normally a ladies' man?
e) Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?
f) I'm not interested in fighting you.
g) Oh, I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing.
h) Thanks, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no co-ordination. I'd hate to look like a fool.
i) Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to vomit in the street.
j) I must be going home now as I have work in the morning.

2006-03-13T18:00:00.000+08:00

VALUABLE LIFE LESSONS FROM THE BLACK BRIGADE

- if you're drunk and don't want a hangover in school the next day, the solution is simple: don't go to sleep!

- deep heat and water do not mix

- oregano will not get you high no matter how many hits you take

- it's no use booking a jamming studio if you don't know where it is

- you don't need to be drunk or high to do stupid things

- the only thing worse than doing something stupid while sober is to have somone video you while you are doing it

- judo belts can also double up as guitar straps, slings, and ropes. however they cannot be used as mike jack, even when wet and having a plug stapled to each end

- black is always in style

a big "WAAGH!" to the black brigade!

2006-03-09T17:22:00.000+08:00

CONFUCIUS SPEAKS!

hey! hey you there! you think you very smart? i say noOo! you listen to wise words from confucius! Confucius Say :

- woman who wear G-string is high on crack!

- man who live in glass house should change in basement

- he who places head in sand will get kicked in the end

- man who keep feet firmly on ground have trouble putting on pants

- man who start crystal ball factory bound to make a fortune

- man who smoke pot, choke on handle

- man who sniffs coke get ice cube up nose

- man who smoke oregano get charged for herbal abuse

- man who has money to burn, makes an ash of himself

- man who keeps nose to the grindstone, have sharp boogers

- the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut

- two wrongs don't make right, but two Wrights make airplane fly!

- a relationship is the opportunity to do something you hate with someone you love.

- it is better to lose lover than love loser

- it is impossible to sling mud with clean hands

- he who is smart ass have too many wise cracks!

2006-03-04T19:50:00.000+08:00

40K HUMOUR!

it's been awhile since i did a 40K article .. the last post reminded me.. so here it is! thanks to dan for giving me so many ideas!

- if Slaanesh is the god of sex, why is it tzeentch that has a thousand sons?

- why are the emeperor's children traitors while chapters with names like blood drinkers and dark angels are loyalists?

- why don't the world eaters have a homeworld? they ate it!

- why don't imperial guard shoot themselves in the head? a) lasgun blasts are the only thing their useless armour can block. b) it's easier for them to die by actually fighting someone else and c) they'd probably miss

- did you know that the death guard still have a loyalist splinter group? they're called the life guard!

- why is a lasgun better than a plasma pistol? you don't blow your head off when lighting a cigarette

- did you know the iron hands have a second founding? they're called the iron feet!

- you know you've pissed off a Navy officer when.. you're assigned to fight with fleet Leviathan!

- What's the difference between a bolter and a lasgun? the bolter needs a safety catch

- Q: How many Guardsmen does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None, their lasguns work fine.

- Q: How many inquisitors does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Three. One to screw it in, one to outlaw lightbulbs, and one to deny the existence of lightbulbs.

- Q: how many adeptus mechanicus tech magi does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: three, one to hold the ladder, one to change the bulb, and one to swing the incense.

- how many Slanneshi Cultists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Well, two, of course, but don't ask me how they got in there.

and the coup ge grace (that's french for "i've run out of ideas")

- What do you call a lasgun with a laser sight? Twin Linked.

" hydroponics: the act of escaping school by swimming through the drain network"

2006-03-02T14:26:00.000+08:00

FAMOUS LAST WORDS OF...

- a boxer: " let's keep it clean ok?"

- a mountain climber: " wait, if you're up here as well, who's belaying me?"

- a white guy in a japanese restaurant: " hah that green stuff looks harmless. i'll eat the whole container to prove what wusses japs are."

- a rapper wannabe: " fo shizzle ma niggas!"

- an army seargent: " no NO, you throw this big bulgy bit.. oh, shi-"

- a CJCian: " well Mr Fahy, I think that you are nothing but an opinionated old coot and should be fired."

- a Josephian : " R-A-F-F-L-E-S! oops i mean J-O-S.. aargh! (cue sounds of birthday celebrations)"

- an ac boy : " how much for that video of that nyp girl again?"

- a Raffles boy: " sji sucks. no, wait.. aargh! (cue sound of birthday celebrations without the birthday song)

- a Hwa Chong boy: " sji wo de pi! .. aah! bu yao!.. ( cue "zhu ni shen ri kuai le..")

- a judoka: " was that an ippon or wazari?"

and finally ...

- a space marine: "for the Emperor!"

here's an excerpt from the bcr Dictionary of Completely Useless Phrases:

aeroponics: the act of escaping a school by jumping out of the building

2006-02-25T19:14:00.000+08:00

INTERESTING BUT SUPPOSEDLY EDIBLE FOOD COMBINATIONS

throughout the ages, there have been a lot of things that someone somewhere is willing to eat that would make us cringe. we at blue collar rejects present a few, some tried and tested, some, well..
P.S. bcr is advising for testers! free humiliation provided!

- celery and peanut butter

- vanilla ice cream and sweet chilli sauce

- peanut butter and oreos

- ketchup and mayonnaise ( ie. thousand island)

- wasabi and cheeseburgers

- chocolate and potato chips

- chilli sauce and egg salad

- porridge and bovril/marmite

- pepsi and sprite

- KFC and Mcdonald's (aka the jason tan diet)

- eggplant and cheese

- tap water and coke (note: must be drunk all in one gulp!)

thanks to Johanna for sparking this idea! give us hope!

2006-02-22T16:30:00.000+08:00

SONGS GREGORIAN SHOULD NEVER COVER

- bohemian rhapsody ( imagine a monk going "galileo figaro! magnifico-oh-oh!")

- fear of the dark by iron maiden (monks can't do distortion man..)

- any song by the darkness ( unless a heluim tank explodes in the monastery..)

- stayin alive by the bee gees ( disco dancing in robes?!?!)

- any song by 50 cent ( monks are forbidden to posses bling -bling)

- crazy frog ( hurh!)

- lau shu ai da mi by jocie guo (urgh)

- the CJC school song ( including the "dum dum dumdum!" at the end!)

special thanks to mr. yeo for sparking of this idea! yo yeo!

2006-02-17T19:11:00.000+08:00

LAWYER JOKES

-what's the difference between a leech and a lawyer?
a leech stops sucking you dry after you're dead

-what do you call a lawyer who can't argue to save his life?
your honour

- how do you tell if a piece of roadkill is a lawyer or a skunk?
there are skid marks in front of a skunk

- what's the difference between a thief and a lawyer?
evidence

- what did the lawyer name his daughter?
sue!

- what's the difference between a lawyer and a dog?
dogs are man's best friend

- how are lawyers like prostitutes?
they both get paid to screw people

-You are stuck in an elevator with a tiger, a lion and a lawyer. You have a gun with just two bullets in it. What do you do?
Shoot the lawyer twice to make sure he''s dead.

- what's the difference between a lawyer and a soccer ball?
you clean the ball after you kick it

- when do you know if a lawyer is telling the truth?
when his mouth is shut

- what's the difference between a lawyer's funeral and a national holiday?
the coffin

- what's the difference between count dracula and a lawyer?
one is a bloodsucking terror of the night, the other is afraid of garlic

- why will cjcians never become lawyers?
because we have a deep-seated fear of men in robes

if you are a lawyer, please don't sue us!
a big raspy "wazzap!" to mr datta!

2006-02-13T17:45:00.000+08:00

THINGS NOT TO SAY TO A VALENTINE'S DAY DATE

- "today is a very special day.."

- any sentence beginning with "my mother.."

- " you know, i have a reputation for being a ladies' man. i have no idea why." ( transalaton: i was drunk and can't remember a thing. in yer face don!)

- " you are paying right?"

- " sorry, i need to leave early to study for a test tomorrow."

- " so Sandy.. sorry Valerie.. i meant Sarah!"

- "are you enjoying your Big Mac?"

- " whoa, that girl is hot!"

- "i brought along a friend."

- "what do you mean, a singlet isn't formal?! i washed it specially ok!"

- "i kinda feel bad for my wife.."

- " eh chio bu! wanna pak tor?!?!"( inserts last finger into ear/mouth/nose/pocket)

good luck to all you non-shuai people out there! this is the only chance you have against me so make use of it!!

2006-02-10T11:23:00.000+08:00

SIGNS YOU ARE AN A LEVEL STUDENT IN CJC

- chemistry: you can use the chemicals in a normal lab to get high and/or blow up said lab

- economics: the amount of money you spend on finding out the price of a good is more than the price of the good itself.

- maths: the only curves you really notice are the ones on the teachers.

- literature: you are able to insult a person without him knowing you did

- biology: you know exactly how babies are made. too bad no one is willing to make one with you.

- physics: you can reduce a skyscraper to a pile of rubble with a single well-placed blow

- geography: you know the optimum soil condition for growing plants which are illegal

- history: you can remeber what happened decades ago but forget what you ate for breakfast this morning

- art: your shirt is no longer blue

- mother tongue: you have been to Taiwan

- computing: you feed a loop into the security network to cover your escape, but get caught anyway as the loop has people escaping in it

2006-02-08T20:53:00.000+08:00

SIGNS YOU ARE AN A LEVEL STUDENT

- chemistry: you can look at the ingredients on a box of food/ drink and draw out the structural formula of all of them

- economics: you know the central problem of economics.but you don't know how to solve it.

- maths: for you, the worst 'f' word of all is 'fail'

- literature: thou useth shakespearean tongue in thy everyday dalliances

- biology: you can explain the birds and the bees to a kid and make him fall asleep

- physics: you actually know what 'quantum' means

- geography: when someone throws mud in your face, you can tell whether it's good for growing crops or not

- history: you can write a 5 page essay in 15 minutes

- art: the doodles on your lecture notes are in colour

- mother tongue: you still study mother tongue in your second year. of your own free will.

- computing: U c@N R33D mh@t i ju5t typ3d

"Chuck Norris does not go hunting, because hunting implies a chance of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing"

2006-02-04T08:45:00.001+08:00

JUDO DICTIONARY PART II

it's been a few years since the 1st edition of the judo dictionary came out. since then some new phrases have developed and some meanings have changed. here are the latest changes

audi extension: a place with very bright lights but no fans or air-con where people are tortured, ie.hell

brown belt: old man/woman

black belt: VERY old man/woman

drink: a liquid for consumption ie.vodka

******: a nickname cjc judokas use to refer to each other

trampoline: judoka slang for bed

franciscan: root word: francis.an order of monks who wear brown and specialise in ippon seoi nage

eugene: judoka slang for God

yudon: judoka slang for idiot

cumar: an exclaimation used to indicate to a person to slow down, eg. "cumar!relax!"

CJC: the 2nd home of most judokas

SJI: the 1st home of most judokas

laziness: CJC slang for poisonous

last lap/set: coach-speak for get ready for an even more painful exercise

yi min:judoka slang for crazy

ODAC: judoka slang for yi min

jeremy: judoka slang for sadist

NS: judoka slang for rest period

competition: judoka slang for war

clubbing: judoka slang for training (judo club, geddit?!?)

dj: judoka slang for coach

training: judoka slang for torture

"the most expensive special effects in the world was not bullet time in the Matrix. it was the fight which Chuck Norris lost in Way of the Dragon"

2006-02-04T08:45:00.000+08:00

2006-01-30T11:25:00.000+08:00

SECRET POWERS OF CJCIANS

though they only spend anything from 3 days to 3 years in cjc, cjcians have developed an array of skills similar to those found in josephians. without further ado, blue collar rejects proudly presents these skills.

- CJC Metamorph: within 1 month of entering cjc, cjcians invariably improve their 2.4 timings by at least 2 minutes. also known as the Issac Lim Effect

- CJC Spin: the cjcian is able to execute 90-degree turns while running at high speeds. this is sometimes used in conjunction with or replaced by the CJC Slide.

- CJC Slide: the cjcian is able to "drift" like jay chou in initial D while running at high speeds

- CJC Trance: a high-level skill which only the most competent cjcians possess. the cjcian is able to enter a state of deep sleep, and at the same time is able to answer any question posed to him by a teacher. also known as the Cedric Lim Stratagem

- CJC Celerity: this skill is used differently by male and female cjcians. upon sighting of a certain authority figure, a male cjcian would tuck his shirt in while a female cjcian would magically extend her skirt by 2 to 5 inches. this is done in under 1 second. also known as the Michael Tan Manouver.

- CJC Iron Stomach: the CJCian is able to withstand prolonged exposure to substances that would kill a lesser being (like an ACSian). Examples of such substances are a mixture of oil and codensed milk affectionately called 'soup' and sambal which can corrode whatever container its in. the more adept CJCians can not only withstand such exposure, but actually derive sustenance from it.

- CJC Supersight: CJCians have the uncanny ability of picking out another CJCian in a crowd of people, and call them by name. also known as the Morning Assembly Ritual

- CJC Awareness: a CJCian can detect when someone is about to use CJC Supersight on them, and prepare a counterattack such as the CJC Stonehead.

- CJC Stonehead: the CJCian is able to ignore anyone trying to attract his or her attention.

- CJC Smash: this Ultimate Ability is much like a Gaijin Smash. the CJCian can, with a single phrase, totally humiliate his target, and/or reduce him and those caught in it's radius to helpless peals of laughter. also called the Gek Suan Jack-Suan or Blue Collar Rejection

"Chuck Norris can smell what the Rock is cooking because the Rock is his personal chef"

2006-01-28T09:11:00.000+08:00

LITTLE KNOW FACTS ABOUT DREAM THEATER

- dream theater consists of James Labrie (vocals), John Myung (bass), John Petrucci (guitar), Mike Portnoy (drums) and Jordan Rudess (keyboards)

- some armies have trained their soldiers to be able to continue fighting after being shot in a vital area such as the head or torso. in order to economise on bullets, training sesions consist of standing in front of the speakers at a dream theater concert

- James Labrie has a canister of helium from which he inhales frequently during concerts. this serves to make him sound like axel rose, which is that much cooler.

- Jordan Rudess is a Godlike keyboardist! some people can play keyboards blinfolded, and some can play with one hand. Jordan Rudess is the only one who can play two separate keyboards that are opposite each other and still be able to smile at the audience

- Mike Portnoy is a Godlike drummer! he can play a drum solo one-handed faster than most people can with two, and still incorporate stick spinning,throwing those sticks into the audience ,banging his own head with said sticks, and alternate beween standing and sitting. and yawn.

- if Sadako learned bass guitar and had a sex change, his name would be John Myung.

- John Myung is the only one who can swish around long black hair and look good. ( he does not have braided hair.. cough cough)

- John Myung is a Godlike bassist! he can play a bass solo one-handed and look half-asleep.

- the two Johns are very close friends. so close, that they hold each others' guitar necks while playing.

- John Petrucci is a Godlike guitarist! 'nuff said.

"and the spirit carries on..."

2006-01-26T20:19:00.000+08:00

FUN WAYS TO WASTE A DAY (OR FIVE)

- complete a 1st person shooter such as Halo on the highest difficulty using only meelee attacks

- walk along the expressways of singapore collecting debris such as hubcaps and bumpers

- call everyone in the phone book

- try to play a techie in dota and win without a single death

- insult PAP/Lee Kuan Yew at a voting booth during elections

- sing a rousing round of "10,000 bottles of beer on the wall" and decrease each time by 0.1

- time how long it takes for grass to grow

- read the entire archive of Blue Collar Rejects and Shuaige.blogspot.com

"in the guiness book of records, it states in fine print that all records are held by Chuck Norris and that the entries are just the closest anyone else has gotten"
wishing all readers year year got fish and dragon horse sperm god!

2006-01-24T20:29:00.000+08:00

SECRET POWERS OF JOSEPHIANS

we all know that alumni from that prestigous instituition on malcolm road are a cut above the rest, but few actually bother to figure out exactly why. in truth, josephians have several super skills honed during their stint in sji. blue collar rejects presents a rare insight into the powers of these modern day super heroes.

- Josephian Reflex: upon sighting or hearing an authority figure, the josephian's hands magically appear to be just in the act of tucking in their shirts as aforesaid authority figure approaches

- Josephian Sprint: this power is most apparent in josephians in the later stages of their training. upon a bell signalling their break, josephians will immediately rush for the canteen. regardless of initial location, the josephian will appear in the queue of a stall in excactly 5.766 seconds after the bell ringing

- Josephian Proximity: josephians are at ease among any company, be it other josephians, members of the opposite sex, or a combination of the two.

- Josephian Pride: more a flaw than a power, josephians in the later stages show great disdain for anybody in short pants.

- Josephian Magnetism: the josephian can cause people in the surrounding area to suddenly gravitate towards him. this skill only appears to be effective on females.

- Josephian Mimic: few josephians fully develop their ability in this skill. the josephian has the uncanny ability to sound exactly like an authority figure. some josephians are so adept at this they can trigger off the Josephian Reflex of their peers.

- Josephian Kamikaze: the josephian injures himself in the most embarassing way possible. examples include breaking a limb after falling off a pull up bar or ramming head first into wall while jumping on a trampoline. it appears to a mechanism for relieving stress of their peers. note: Josephian Kamikaze does not normally result in death.

- Josephian Morph: using Josephian Proximity, josephians are able to procure mystical items such as pinafores that, combined with this skill, enable them to transform into a female, albeit with a rather larger build than normal.

- Josephian X-Ray Vision: this power is only practised by josephians that have fallen to the dark side, and practicioners of it may not be able to use other powers such as Josephian Magnetism. the fallen josephian is able to magically determine the type and colour of the underwear worn by his target

- Josephian Mindreading: perhaps the most well known and lethal of all skills. josephians are able to detect whether it is a person's birthday simply by looking at him.

- Josephian Radar: the josephian is able to detect any birthday celebrations occuring within a 5 km radius.

- Josephian Turtle: all fully-matured josephians are capable of performing this manouver. the jospehian shuts himself away for one week before an exam, emerging only to take the exam itself .

Please note that this is not an exhaustive list of powers. also, powers can be combined to produce even more impressive events. for example, one can combo Josephian Mindreading with Josephian Mimic to isolate a target and perform a Mega Josephian Kamikaze for + 120% damage and set off his teamates' Josephian Radar.

"Chuck norris sleeps with a light on, not becouse he's afraid of the dark, but because the dark is afraid of him"

a big hello to Kaeline!

2006-01-19T20:23:00.000+08:00

HOW TO BE AN EVIL OVERLORD
Being an Evil Overlord seems to be a good career choice. It pays well, there are all sorts of perks and you can set your own hours. However every Evil Overlord I've read about in books or seen in movies invariably gets overthrown and destroyed in the end. I've noticed that no matter whether they are barbarian lords, deranged wizards, mad scientists, or alien invaders, they always seem to make the same basic mistakes every single time. With that in mind, allow me to present...

The Top 100 Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord

1. My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear Plexiglas visors, not face concealing ones.

2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.

3. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell in my dungeon.

4. Shooting is not too good for my enemies.

5. The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragon of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object which is my one weakness.

6. I will not gloat over my enemies predicament before killing them.

7. When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No." and shoot him. No, on second thought, I'll shoot him and then say "No."

8. After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks' time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.

9. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labelled, "Danger: Don Not Push". The big red button marked "Do Not Push" will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will clearly not be labelled as such.

10. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum - a small hotel room well outside my border will work just as well.

11. I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.

12. One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.

13. All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least several round of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.

14. The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.

15. I will never employ any device with a digital count-down. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable. I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.

16. I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's just one thing I want to know."

17. When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice.

18. I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would prove a fatal distraction at a crucial point in time.

19. I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil, but one look at the hero's rugged countenance and she'd betray her own father.

20. Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.

21. I will hire a fashion designer to create original uniforms for my Legion of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi stormtroopers, Roman foot soldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set.

22. No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.

23. I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use. That way -- even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless -- my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and rocks.

24. I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strength and weaknesses. Even though this takes some fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line "No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!" (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)

25. No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of machinery which is completely indestructible except for one small and virtually inaccessible spot.

26. No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is probably someone just as attractive which is not desperate to kill me.
Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bed chamber.

27. I will never build only one of anything important. All important systems will have redundant control panels and power supplies. For the same reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at all times.

28. My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble.

29. I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies into confusion.

30. All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly thieves in the land will be preemptively put to death. My foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of comic relief.

31. All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected reinforcements and/or romantic sub-plot for the hero or his side-kick.

32. I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to come by.

33. I won't require high-ranking female members of my organization to wear a stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better with a more casual dress-code. Similarly, outfits made entirely from black leather will be reserved for formal occasions.

34. I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.

35. I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of Generation X.

36. I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cell block, let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I will keep the only key to the cell door on my person instead of handing copies to every bottom-rung guard in the prison.

37. If my trusted lieutenant tell me my Legion of Terror is losing a battle, I will believe him.. After all, he's my trusted lieutenant.

38. If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately, instead of waiting for them to grow up harboring feelings of vengeance towards me in my old age.

39. If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride at the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my opposite number among his army.

40. I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable super-weapon, I will use it early and as often as possible instead of keeping it in reserve.

41. Once my power is secure, I will destroy all of those pesky time travel devices.

42. When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey, ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable of untying ropes and filching keys that happens to follow him around.

43. I will maintain a healthy amount of skepticism when I capture the beautiful rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power and good looks and will gladly betray her companions if I just let her in on my plans.

44. I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who work for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even the odds to give the other guy a sporting chance.

45. I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is responsible for what in my organization. For example, if my general screws up I will not draw my weapon, point it at him and say "And here is the price for failure." then suddenly turn and kill some random underling.

46. If an advisor says to me "My liege, he is but one man. What can one man possibly do?", I will reply "This." and kill the advisor.

47. If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I will slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting for him to mature.

48. I will treat any beast which I control through magic or technology with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it will not immediately come after me for revenge.

49. If I learn the whereabouts of the one artifact which can destroy me, I will not send all of my troops out to seize it. Instead I will send them out to seize something else and quietly put a Want-Ad in the local paper.

50. My main computers will have their own special operating system that will be completely incompatible with standard IBM and Macintosh powerbooks.

51. If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing concern over the conditions of the beautiful princess' cell, I will immediately transfer him to a less people oriented position.

52. I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to examine my castle and inform me of any secret passages and abandoned tunnels that I might not know about.

53. If the beautiful princess that I capture says "I'll never marry you! Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!!", I will say "Oh well" and kill her.

54. I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being then attempt to double-cross it simply because I feel like being contrary.

55. The deformed mutants and odd-ball psychotics will have their place in my Legion of Terror. However before I send them out on important covert missions that require tact and subtlety, I will first see if there is anyone else equally qualified who would attract less attention.

56. My Legion of Terror will be trained in basic marksmanship. Any who cannot learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters will be used for target practice.

57. Before employing any captured artifacts or machinery, I will carefully read the owners manual.

58. If it becomes necessary to escape, I will never stop to pose dramatically and toss off a one-liner.

59. I will never build a sentient computer smarter than I am.

60. My five-year-old child advisor will also be asked to decipher any code I am thinking of using. If he breaks the code in under 30 seconds, it will not be used. Note: This also applies to passwords.

61. If my advisors ask "Why are you risking everything on such a mad scheme?" I will not proceed until I have a response that satisfies them.

62. I will design fortress hallways with no alcoves or protruding structural supports which intruders could use for cover in a firefight.

63. Bulk trash will be disposed of in incinerators, not compactors. And they will be kept hot, with none of this nonsense about flames going through accessible tunnels at predictable intervals.

64. I will see a compentant psychiatrist and get cured of all extremely unusual phobias and bizarre compulsive habits which could prove to be disadvantageous.

65. If I must have a computer system with publicly available terminals, the maps they display will have a room clearly marked as the Main Control Room. That room will be the Execution Chamber. The actual main control room will be marked as Sewage Overflow Containment.

66. My security keypad will actually be a fingerprint scanner. Anyone who watches someone press a sequence of buttons or dusts the pad for fingerprints and then subsequently tries to enter by repeating that sequence will trigger the alarm system.

67. No matter how many shorts we have in the system, my guards will be instructed to treat every surveillance camera malfunction as a full-scale emergency.

68. I will spare someone who saved my life sometime in the past. This is only reasonable as it encourages others to do so. However, the offer is good one time only. If they want me to spare them again, they'd better save my life again.

69. All midwives will be banned from the realm. All babies will be delivered at state-approved hospitals. Orphans will be placed in foster homes, not abandoned in the woods to be raised by creatures of the wild.

70. When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will always travel in groups of at least two. They will be trained so that if one of them disappears mysteriously while on patrol, the other will immediately initiate an alert and call for backup, instead of quizzically peering around a corner.

71. If I decide to test a lieutenant's loyalty and see if he/she should be made a trusted lieutenant, I will have a crack squad of marksmen standing by in case the answer is no.

72. If all the heroes are standing together around a strange device and begin to taunt me, I will pull out a conventional weapon, instead of using my unstoppable super weapon on them.

73. I will not agree to let the heroes go free if they win a rigged contest, even though my advisors assure me it is impossible for them to win.

74. When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan designed so that my five-year-old advisor can easily understand the details, I will not label the disk "Project Overlord" and leave it lying on top of my desk.

75. I will instruct my Legion of Terror to attack the heroes en masse, instead of standing around waiting while members break off and attack one or two at a time.

76. If the hero runs up to my roof, I will not run up after him and struggle with him in an attempt to push him over the edge. I will also not engage him at the edge of a cliff. (In the middle of a rope-bridge over a river of molten lava is not even worth considering.)

77. If I have a fit of temporary insanity and decide to give the hero the chance to reject a job as my trusted lieutenant, I will retain enough sanity to wait until my current trusted lieutenant is out of earshot before making the offer.

78. I will not tell my Legion of Terror "And he must be taken alive-" the command will be "And try to take him alive if it is reasonable practical."

79. If my doomsday device happens to come with a reverse switch, as soon as it has been employed it will be melted down and made into limited edition commemorative coins.

80. If my weakest troops fail to eliminate a hero, I will send out my best troops instead of wasting time with progressively stronger ones as he gets closer and closer to my fortress.

81. If I am fighting with the hero atop a moving platform, have disarmed him, and am about to finish him off and he glances behind me and drops flat, I too will drop flat instead of quizzically turning around to find out what he saw.

82. I will not shoot at any of my enemies if they are standing in front of the crucial support beam to a heavy, dangerously unbalanced structure.

83. If I'm eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet, then have to leave the table for any reason, I will order new drinks for both of us instead of trying to decide whether or not to switch with him.

84. I will not have captives of one sex guarded by members of the opposite sex.

85. I will not use any plan in which the final step is horribly complicated, e.g. "Align the 12 stones of power on the sacred altar then activate the medallion at the moment of total eclipse." Instead it will be more alone the lines of "Push the button/"

86. I will make sure that my doomsday device is up to code and properly grounded.

87. My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use. Also, I will not construct walkways above them.

88. If a group of henchmen fail miserably at a task, I will not berate them for incompetence then send the same group out to do the task again.

89. After I capture the hero's super weapon, I will not disband legions and relax my guard because I believe whoever holds the weapon is unstoppable. After all, the hero held the weapon and I took it from him.

90. I will not design my main control room so that every workstation is facing away from the door.

91. I will not ignore the messenger that stumbles in exhausted and obviously agitated until my personal grooming or current entertainment is finished. It might actually be important.

92. If I ever talk to the hero on the phone, I will not taunt him. Instead, I will say that his dogged perseverance has given me new insight on the futility of my evil ways and that if he leaves me alone for a few months of quiet contemplation I will likely return to the path of righteousness. (Heroes are incredibly gullible in this regard.)

93. If I decide to hold a double execution of the hero and the underling who failed or betrayed me, I will die first.

94. When arresting prisoners, my guards will not allow them to stop and grab a useless trinket of purely sentimental value.

95. My dungeon will have its own qualified medical staff complete with bodyguards. That way if a prisoner becomes sick and his cell mate tells the guard it's an emergency, the guard will fetch a trauma team instead of opening the cell for a look.

96. My door mechanisms will be designed so that blasting the control panel on the outside seals the door and blasting the control panel on the inside opens the door, not vice versa.

97. My dungeon cells will not be furnished with objects that contain reflective surfaces or anything that can be unraveled.

98. If an attractive young couple enters my realm, I will carefully monitor their activities. If I find they are happy and affectionate, I will ignore them. However, if circumstances have forced them together against their will and they spend all their time bickering and criticizing each other except during the intermittent occasions when they are saving each other' lives at which point there are hints of sexual tension, I will immediately order their execution.

99. Any data files of crucial importance will be padded to 1.45Mb.

100. Finally, to keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless trance, I will provide each of them with free, unlimited internet access.

2006-01-13T21:16:00.000+08:00

THINGS YOU SHOULD NEVER PUT IN YOUR BLOG

from racist bloggers to sex blogs, there have been studies that show the average intelligence of the singaporean blogger is dropping. we at blue collar reject strive to remedy this problem by eating lots of peanuts. hey waitaminit.. oh no! it's begun! before our intelligence reaches negative, here's what you should never put in a blog.

- anything racist, sexist, nationalist, seperatist, or any kind of -ist comments. you could get jailed you know!

- reports of your sexual encounters. if we wanted to read porn, we would go to a porn website.

- pictures of your sexual encounters. seriously, don't think it's ok just because you censor your face.

- records of your meals. nobody except your fitness trainer cares what you eat.

- pictures. as in, all your posts are nothing but pictures. and they're not even yours.

- anything derogatory about your superiors. this includes teachers, because they are superior to you, no matter what pride lets you think.

- mood:angry (pissed-off smiley) music: shut up - random punk group

- PleAsE DoN't AlTeRnAtE CaPs FoR EvErY SeNtEnCe! iT PiSsEs PeOpLe OfF!

- * sighs* don't include *stars* around *words* or someone will *punch your face*

- music videos. please, it's a blog, not mtv.

- any picture or info on that secret training you had on tekong. it's supposed to be secret. probaly still is as no one cares enough to read your blog, but that's beside the point.

- game reviews or walkthroughs. recommendations are fine, but beyond that no one wants to know what you think.

a warm welcome to any teachers who are reading this. please feel free to browse our archives and leave a tag!

2006-01-09T18:45:00.000+08:00

THINGS YOU NEVER WANT TO HEAR AFTER "I LOVE YOU"

- "and that will be fifty dollars please."

- "and you, and you.."

- " but i love him/her more."

- ".. so can we make out now?"

- " oh sorry, wrong number."

- " sorry to hear about your rich uncle though."

- " ok, can i go now?"

- " .. as a friend."

- " .. please don't tell my husband/ wife"

- (in chinese) " someone said that to me earlier, could you transalate it for me please?"

- " gotcha!"

- " so sign here and here..."

- " .. like mice love rice"

2006-01-04T20:26:00.000+08:00

LITTLE KNOWN FACTS ABOUT CHUCK NORRIS from kontraband.com

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

Chuck Norris won 'Jumanji' without ever saying the word. He simply beat the living shit out of everything that was thrown at him, and the game forfeited.

To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.

After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was "more humane".

There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

Chuck Norris likes to knit sweaters in his free time. And by "knit", I mean "kick", and by "sweaters", I mean "babies".

Chuck Norris doesn't understand why you should consult your doctor if your erection lasts for more than 4 hours. His erections have been known to last for up to 15 days.

The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided into two.

Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes. Ever.

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.

There are two kinds of people in this world: people who suck, and Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris spends his Saturdays climbing mountains and meditating in peaceful solitude. Sundays are for oral sex, KFC and Tequila.

Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always. The only time he didn't was in 1941, otherwise known as the beginning of the Holocaust.

Crop circles are Chuck Norris's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the f*** down!

There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.

In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.

Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.

Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

Chuck Norris is not lactose intolerant, he just refuses to put up with lactose's shit.

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.

cumar this one's for you!

2006-01-01T21:28:00.000+08:00

SHUAIGE'S NEW YEAR RESOLUTIONS

so once a again a new year comes around, time passes in the blink of an eye etc etc. what's done is done, shing gathem gathem etc. so it is a new year, we should strive to blah blah blah..

this year, i resolve to:

- stop hitting on girls.sometimes they hit back

- stop getting in trouble with the police. instead get the police in trouble.

- remove the layer of fat that covers my sexy athletic body.

- learn chinese. oh, waitaminit...

- answer everyone that asks me if i'm chinese in italian

- eat more nuts and vegetables. after all, you are what you eat.

- pronounce halo as "hay-low" and not "ha- low". followed by "salut, sunt eau, un haiduk"

- stop inventing new ways of celebrating the retardedness of humanity

- chek mie speelin befroe bloging

"give me liberty or give me pizza!"

happy new year everyone!

2005-12-29T17:36:00.000+08:00

CONNDOMISE IT!
inspired by the 'pants' article from talkingcock, blue collar reject presents some move titles which would be greatly improved by substituting the word 'condom' into the title.
- harry potter and the sorcerer's condom (it's magic!)

- harry potter and the condom of secrets (imagine.. sltytherin's monster.. eew!)

- harry potter and the condom of azkaban ( no wonder sirius never got attached..)

- harry potter and the condom of fire (ouch!)

- harry potter and the order of the condom ( slogan: we protect the protection!)

- harry potter and the condom prince ( it's about the CEO of durex)

the matrix

- the condom (the condom is all around you,neo..)

- the condom reloaded ( that's a vivid image..)

- the condom revolutions ( it's how they test condoms for durability)

lord of the rings

- the fellowship of the condom ( one thing to rule them all..)

- the two condoms ( remember that competition between legolas and gimli? now you know!)

- the condom of the king ( no wonder arwen looks so happy these days..)

star wars

- the condom menance ( for goodness sake, don't use it if there's more than one hole!)

- the attack of the condoms ( "execute order 69".. heh heh..)

- the revenge of the condoms (just when you thought it was safe..)

- a new condom (prequel to narnia 7)

- the condom strikes back ( rubber is elastic, you know...)

- the return of the condom (is it related to lotr 3?)

the chronicles of narnia

- the lion, the witch, and the condom ( so THAT'S why aslam and the witch are at war..)

- prince condom ( sequel to harry potter 6)

- the condom of the dawn treader ( ah yes, such is how legends are made..)

- the silver condom ( now that's an expensive way to go..)

- the horse and his condom ( discover the true meaning of "hung like a horse")

- the magician's condom ( prequel to harry potter 1)

- the last condom ( don't you just hate it when you finish the whole box?)

well that's all for now. tune in next time for more condom mania!
note: the above article contains explicit content. please refrain from reading it if you are 16 and below. oops, too late.

2005-12-25T14:31:00.000+08:00

THOSE ANNOYING ELVES!

in the recent holiday season, there have been an increasing number of people along orchard road that have been pestering shoppers for donations.so how do we get rid of santa's elves without seeming like the grinch? here are a few suggested methods.

- go as a group. they generally don't attack unless they outnumber the victim(s)

- whenever you see them approaching, whip out your handphone and pretend someone is calling you.

- give them a pat on the back and handshake and commend the worthy cause they are working for. while they are basking in your praise, walk away quickly.

- bring two wallets, one for your money and another for your cards, keys etc.when approached show the dummy wallet and say that you really have no money to give.

- pat them on the head and coo "ooh what a sweet boy/girl. do you want a cookie?" note: make sure you are a faster or fatter than them.

- say in heavily accented, broken english " ve are toureests, so sorry!"

- grab the nearest passerby, embrace him/ her, and walk off hand in hand. the effect is better when both of you are the same sex.

- see above, except do it to the person asking for donations

- if you can live with lying, say you already donated

- ask for their number

- any combination of the above

2005-12-19T15:32:00.000+08:00

"THESE ROMANS ARE CRAZY!"
a blue-collar guide to rome (and venice)

- italy is very cold in the winter. i'm not kidding.if you leave your fly down bits will drop off.

- italians are big eaters. a personal pizza there can feed a Singaporean family of 4 and the family pizzas.. well, there's a reason why the tower in pisa is leaning.

- italians smoke. alot. i suspect it's to keep warm, so what the hell are singaporeans smoking for??

- the air is polluted more because of the smoking than driving. also since the roads are mostly cobbles and cement, one can safely say that 95% of the tar on the roads is from dicarded cigarettes

- italians are intimidating without meaning to be. i kept getting gaijin smashed whenever people were talking to me. go to http://www.outpostnine.com/editorials/teacher16.html to leran more about gaijin smash

- italians love their topless women. there is a picture or sculpture of a topless woman in practically every shop. one day i might write guide to identifying a shop by looking at the topless woman.

- the 369 have an italian branch! called the seiuno zero (610), they reside in the rialto area of venice, and their symbol is a dice of which the 6, the 1 and a blank face can be seen.

- contrary to what russell peters may say, italians don't have that expressive body language. except when driving.

- to prevent any accidents, please refrain from talking to an italian driver.

- if you are shopping for pirated goods, look for a street where there is a line of african guys standing by the sidewalk.

- in venice, look for restaurants with chinese people working in it for the best and cheapest food. i'm not kidding.

- italian is a wonderful language, where 97% of the words end in vowels. as a result, the average italian cannot speak english. italian teen guys call each other "do-deeeeer".

- 4 words: powerpuff girls.in italian.

2005-12-07T08:21:00.000+08:00

Corporate Lesson 4
-------------------------------
A sales rep, an administration clerk and the manager are walking to
lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke.

The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of
you just one."
"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk.
"I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world."
Poof!
She's gone.

In astonishment, "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep.
"I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life."
Poof!
He's gone.

"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of story:
Always let your boss have the first say!

2005-12-05T21:12:00.000+08:00

Corporate Lesson 3
------------------------------------------
Usually the staff of the company play football.
The middle level managers are more interested in tennis.
The top management usually has a preference for golf.
MORAL OF THE STORY: As you go up the corporate ladder, the balls reduce in size.

2005-12-02T20:13:00.000+08:00

Corporate lesson 2
------------------------------------------
A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road, he
stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg.
The priest had a look and nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthfully slid his hand up her leg.
The nun looked at him and said, "Father,remember psalm 129?"
The priest was flustered and apologized profusely.
He forced himself to remove his hand.
However, he was unable to remove his eyes from her leg.

Further on while changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, "Father, remember psalm 129?"
Once again the priest apologized.
"Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."
Arriving at the convent, the nun got out gave him a meaningful glance and
went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and
looked up psalm 129.
It Said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

MORAL OF THE STORY:
Always be well informed in your job, or you might miss a great opportunity!

2005-11-27T19:04:00.000+08:00

Corporate lesson 1
-----------------------------------------
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her
shower when the doorbell rings.
After a few seconds of arguing over which one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour.
Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you 800 dollars to drop that towel you have on."
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.
After a few seconds, Bob hands her 800 dollars and leaves.
Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up in
the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower, "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbour," she replies.
"Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the 800 dollars he
owes me?"

Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk in time
with your stakeholders, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable
exposure.

2005-11-24T20:17:00.000+08:00

THINGS THAT DO NOT MIX

- cheese and ice cream

- coffe and vodka

- hangovers and judo

- popcorn and roller coasters

- kids and sugar

- curry and wine

- grenades and duct tape

- south park and samurai x

- yudon and weapons

2005-11-21T20:33:00.000+08:00

ZEN ACCORDING TO HALO

- My disciple, don't listen to your master. listen to the master chief

- when you fight, team work is important. without it, you are like the warthog: useless when there's only 1 person.

- be like the banshee: stay the hell out of everyone's way till they half kill each other then finish the job for all of them

- my son, when threatened, be like the ghost: blast forward till you flip

- if you are weak, be like the scarab : bring a truckload of friends

- when tailing someone, be like the plasma grenade: stick to him no matter what

- when all else fails, be like the scorpion: blow the crap out of anything that moves!

2005-11-18T20:12:00.000+08:00

In today's crime-ridden world, personal safety is more important than ever. Here are some tips to help you protect yourself:

-Pickpockets thrive in large, crowded areas where they can blend in and strike unnoticed. Stick to dark, isolated alleyways.

-Always check the backseat before getting in your car. If a menacing-looking man is hiding there, get a girlfriend or coworker to accompany you.

-In the event that you are mugged, don't bother the police -- call your mother immediately.

-When venturing out in public, cover your genitals with both hands while scurrying furtively from place to place.

-Carry mace with you at all times. This medieval spiked ball is ideal for fending off would-be attackers.

-Going everywhere in an oversized hamster ball is a good way to ensure your safety. Be sure to avoid geysers, though.

-Try to live in close proximity to Batman.

-If mugged, take the opportunity to do a little comedic "mugging" of your own. Gesticulate wildly and say, "Oh, no!"

-Take a women's self-defense class. It won't protect you from an armed attacker, but you'll get a chance to bond with your "sisters."

-Instead of a real wallet, carry a gag one that shoots ink or confetti when you open it. That'll show Mr. Mugger!

-If you go jogging, wear sweatpants that say "Do Not Rape" on the butt and crotch.

-Keep in mind that it's hard to rob someone who has taken the precautionary measure of setting him or herself ablaze.

-If you must walk alone at night, appear as "street-wise" as possible by dressing like a prostitute.

-According to the NRA(national rifle association) , the best form of personal protection is to be in possession of a loaded firearm at all times. To ensure your personal safety, stay the hell away from NRA members.

-Remember -- you can't get attacked by anyone if you preemptively attack everyone you encounter first (this is known as the Bush Doctrine).

2005-11-13T20:43:00.000+08:00

THE COMMANDO

- Good commandos can help win a war before it's begun

- Bad commandos can lose a war you didn't even know you started.

- A smart commando can take down an enemy base with nothing but a machete

- a stupid commando does things like using aforesaid machete to carve "a.a. loves g.b." in the nearest tree.

- a hci commando doesn't need weapons to take down a base - he uses his amazing martial arts prowess and unparalled teamwork- think the twins from the matrix

- an sji commando doesn't need weapons to take down a base - provided it's someone's birthday

- an acs commando doesn't need weapons to take down a base - he can buy over the land the base is on

- an ri commando doesn't need weapons to take down a base - he sends the sji, acs, and hci commandos to do the job

2005-11-10T19:36:00.000+08:00

THINGS NEVER TO SAY TO A BROTHER

- "so, what's it like living in a house full of men?"

- " that dress is SO fetching! white suits you so well!"(limp wrist action)

- "are you wearing clothes under that cassock?"

- " aaaa! ghost!"

- " hello Father"

- " do brothers share their cassocks?"

- " if the cassock has no zip like those in pants, how do you pee?"

- " has you ever stepped on the hem and tripped/tore your cassock?"

- "what's brown, round and turns around?" (people have actually done this.. idiots)

- "eh brudda!!! WAZAP!!!"

2005-11-02T21:00:00.000+08:00

REASONS WHY JOSEPHIANS SHOULD GO TO CJC

- you already know half the school

- you know half the council - the male half

- you are very popular with half the school - the female half

- the cjc uniform is water and fire resistant - especially useful for josephians (you pyromaniacs)

- you are already used to tall men in white stalking you

- there is a lot of space in classrooms to store your books, stationary, weapons, victims etc.

- there is a cca for anyone from the suicidal (odac) to the murderous (odac) to the normal (any other cca)

- you get free use of most facilities ( internet, gym, library, canteen, toilets, fish pond..)

and the number one reason why sji boys should go to cjc:

- waazzzap!!! with hockey sticks!!! and mountain bikes!!

disclaimer: the writer does not bear any responsibility for any loss of or damage to property, manhood, virginity or sanity resulting from the performance of any act described or implied in this article.

2005-10-24T19:14:00.000+08:00

RANKS I WANT TO PULL OFF BUT DON'T HAVE THE GUTS TO

- swap the shoes outside a flat with those of the opposite unit

- dye a pond blue ( dyeing fish optional - i don't wanna kill anything)

- curry bomb!( Tim if you're reading this - yes)

- sing bohemian rhapsody after breathing helium

- run through orchard road with a suitcase shoutng "it's gonna blow!!" ( i think not a good idea these days - damn terrorists ruin it by being serious)

- set the roof on fire (we don't need no water..)

- replace the cream in oreos with toothpaste

- try to pass off wasabi as green tea ice cream

- wassup someone in public (i know it's been done.. but i'm talking in the middle of the CBD during lunch hour or in a deparmental store during a sale .. you get the drift)

- get some fake blood n bruises and limp into class

- stick a fake hand (bloodied of course) into the gap between t33 and t32

and the greatest prank never pulled

- form a line down an entire mrt train and do the handshake wave and heineken dance. or the macarena/ketchup/badger/chicken dance.

2005-10-18T17:48:00.000+08:00

GREATEST GEEK QUOTES

1/ There are 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary, and those who don't.

2/ If at first you don't succeed; call it version 1.0

3/ I'm not anti-social; I'm just not user friendly

4/ My pokemon bring all the nerds to the yard, and they're like you wanna trade cards? Darn right, I wanna trade cards, I'll trade this but not my charizard

5/ My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.

6/ Roses are #FF0000
Violets are #0000FF
All my base
Are belong to you

7/ A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history - with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila.

8/ Microsoft: "You've got questions. We've got dancing paperclips."

9/ In a world without fences and walls, who needs Gates and Windows?

10/ I would love to change the world, but they won't give me the source code

11/ The speed of sound is defined by the distance from door to computer divided by the time interval needed to close the media player and pull up your pants when your mom shouts "OH MY GOD WHAT ARE YOU DOING!!!"

13/ UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity.

14/ You know it's love when you memorize her IP number to skip DNS overhead.

15/ 1f u c4n r34d th1s u r34lly n33d t0 g37 l41d

2005-09-29T14:53:00.000+08:00

SIGNS YOU"VE SNAPPED DURING THE PROMOS

- you ask the invigilator for a new stack of foolscap as the one you have has 'bad mojo'

- after each paper, you say things like "piquant, remiscent of an rjc '98. a good vintage"

- you recite maths/physics/chem formulas in your sleep

- you recite formulas in your sleep, and you're an arts student

- you cry everytime you see a red pen

- you bring a calculator to your GP exam or a chinese dictionary for a maths exam

- you start twitching whenever you see a piece of paper

- mugging becomes your hobby

- when people refer to the 'f' word, you think they mean 'fail'

- you spot questions for a GP paper

- you worship your teachers. as in burnt offerings and sacrificial rites.

2005-09-23T08:34:00.000+08:00

10 SIGNS YOU ARE A CJCIAN

10. everytime you see someone in a blue shirt, you try to see if you recognise him

9. you know the meaning of the phrase "shing gathem gathem" and its accompanying handsign

8. you don't suan or jack people. you "gek-suan" them

7. you can sing a one-minute-long school song with a straight face (you practice it every monday.)

6. you are used to running at 90-degree turns

5. your classroom has at least one broken window/chair/fan/table in it

4. birthday celebrations involve hockey sticks, mountain bikes, and a lot of screaming

3. you know how to play one or all of the following and do so on a regular basis : ultimate frisbee, mahjong, bridge,volleyball

2. gst is not part of your econs lesson, but your p.e. lesson

1. you sit on your ass the day before your promos blogging useless things

2005-09-14T16:46:00.000+08:00

THINGS YOU CAN ORDER IN MCDONALDS THAT WILL EARN YOU A SPEEDY FORCED EXIT

"hi , i have too much free time and i'd like a speedy forced exit. with fries."

"hey baby, i don't want a burger unless it's on your buns"

"hello, i'd like a large fries, half with salt, half with sugar"

"i'd like to order a packet of ketchup please"

" hi, can i have a cup of water?"

"i'd like a value meal without a drink or fries"

" i'll have salad"

" i'd like a taco"

(CHAI-nese accent) "hai, i wanna orda the fly lice.. no u no unnerstand..i wanna fly lice.. wad kinna CHAI-nese lestluant no have fly lice?!?!""

2005-09-08T21:20:00.000+08:00

We declare love for Singapore!

2005-09-08T16:06:00.000+08:00

Taufik!!

2005-09-05T19:50:00.000+08:00

THE CREATION OF A SPACE MARINE

With a soft hum, the doors opened and a burly figure stepped through, swathed in a red cloak. As the elevator doors hissed shut behind him, Inquisitor Thraxx gazed around the chamber.

"Apothecary Malus?" Thraxx asked the room in general and one of the assembled Space Marines stepped forward, his power armour replaced by a long white robe.
"I am he," the Apothecary replied in a deep voice, bowing his head slightly to look at the Inquisitor.

"I have come to Varsavia to further investigate the purity of the Silver Skulls� gene-seed, following study of the reports by your Lord of the Household."
"Of course, Inquisitor," Malus replied smoothly. "I shall show you our Apothacarion. We have nothing to hide."

GENE-SEED AND ZYGOTES
There are nineteen varieties of gene-seed corresponding to the nineteen different superhuman organs that are surgically implanted into a Space Marine.

Most Chapters have existed for thousands of years. During that time, gene-seed belonging to some Chapters has mutated. This has resulted in changes in the exact nature of the artificially cultured organs. Such changes may sometimes make an implant useless. In other circumstances, changes in an organ might reduce its effectiveness or cause strange new effects. Whatever the result, it will affect the entire Chapter � all Space Marines belonging to a Chapter share implants cultured from the same original gene-seed.

As well as mutant implants, many Chapters have lost one or more types of gene-seed due to accident, genetic failure, or some other cause. Very few Chapters therefore possess all nineteen implants. All possess the carapace implant (phase 19). It is this implant which marks a Space Marine for what he is, irrespective of other implants, training or psycho-surgery.

IMPLANTS
The nineteen organs created by the ancient technicians of the Emperor are described below. Each of these organs is extremely complicated and because many of the organs only work properly when another organ is present, the removal or mutation of one organ may affect the exact functioning of the others. For these reasons, implants must be constantly monitored, and many Marines have to undergo corrective surgery or chemotherapy to re-balance their metabolism.

Phase 1 � Secondary Heart. The simplest and most self-sufficient implant. The secondary heart is capable of boosting the blood supply or maintaining full life functions even with the destruction of the recipient's original heart. The Phase 1 implant enables Marines to survive low oxygen concentrations and traumatic injury.

Phase 2 � Ossmodula. This is a tubular shaped organ whose small size belies its complex structure. The ossmodula monitors and secretes hormones affecting epiphiseal fusion and ossification of the skeleton. At the same time, the specially engineered hormones encourage the forming bones to absorb ceramic based chemicals administered in the Marine's diet. Two years following implantation, this will have caused considerable strengthening of the long-bones, extreme ossification of the chest cavity (caused by growth of the ribs forming a solid mass of inter-laced bone plates) and a general increase in the size of the recipient's skeleton.

Phase 3 � Biscopea. This organ is implanted into the chest cavity. It is small, approximately spherical and, like the Ossmodula, its primary action is hormonal. The presence of the biscopea stimulates muscle growth throughout the body.

Phase 4 � Haemastamen. This tiny organ is implanted into a main blood vessel. The haemastamen serves two purposes. It monitors and to some degree controls the Phase 2 and 3 implants. The organ also alters the constituent make-up of the recipient's blood. As a result, Marine blood is considerably more efficient than ordinary human blood, as it has to be when you consider the extra biological hardware a Marine carries inside him!

Phase 5 � Larraman's Organ. This is a liver shaped, dark, fleshy organ about the size of a golfball. It is implanted into the chest cavity along with a complicated array of blood vessels. The organ generates and stores special 'Larraman cells'. If the recipient is wounded, these cells are released into the blood stream. They latch onto leucocytes in the blood and are transported to the site of a wound. Once in contact with air, the Larraman cells form a skin substitute of instant scar tissue, staunching the flow of blood and protecting any exposed wound area.

Phase 6 � Catalepsean Node. This brain implant is usually inserted into the back of the skull via a hole drilled into the occipital bone. The pea-sized organ influences the circadian rhythms of sleep and the body's response to sleep deprivation. Normally, a Marine sleeps like any normal man, but if deprived of sleep, the catalepsean node 'cuts in'. A man implanted with the node is capable of sleeping and remaining awake at the same time by 'switching off' areas of the brain sequentially. This process cannot replace normal sleep entirely, but increases a Marine's survivability by allowing awareness of the environment whilst resting.

Phase 7 � Preomnor. The preomnor is a large implant which fits into the chest cavity. It is a predigestive stomach which allows the Marine to eat a variety of otherwise poisonous or indigestible materials. No actual digestion takes place in the preomnor. Individual sensory tubes assess potential poisons and neutralise them or, where necessary, isolate the preomnor from the rest of the digestive tract.

Phase 8 � Omophagea. This is a complicated implant. It really becomes part of the brain, but is actually situated within the spinal cord between the cervical and thoracic vertebrae. Four nerve sheaths called neuroclea are implanted between the spine and the preomnoral stomach wall. The omophagea is designed to absorb genetic material generated in animal tissue as a function of memory, experience or innate ability. This endows the Marine with an unusual survival trait. He can actually learn by eating. If a Marine eats a part of a creature, he will absorb some of the memories of that creature. This can be very useful in an alien environment. Incidentally, it is the presence of this organ which has created the various flesh eating and blood drinking rituals for which many Chapters are known, as well as giving the names to Chapters such as the Blood Drinkers, Flesh Tearers etc.

Phase 9 � Multi-lung. This is another large implant. The multi-lung, or 'third' lung, is a tubular grey organ. Blood is pumped through the organ via connecting vessels grafted onto the recipient's pulmonary system. Atmosphere is taken in by means of a sphincter located in the trachea. In toxic atmospheres, an associated sphincter muscle closes the trachea and restricts normal breathing, thus protecting the lungs. The multi-lung is able to absorb oxygen from poorly oxygenated or poisonous air. Most importantly, it is able to do this without suffering damage thanks to its own efficient toxin dispersal, neutralisation and regeneration systems.

Phase 10 � Occulobe. This small slug-like organ sits at the base of the brain. It provides the hormonal and genetic stimuli which enable a Marine's eyes to respond to optic-therapy. The occulobe does not itself improve a Marine's eyesight, but it allows technicians to make adjustments to the growth patterns of the eye and the light-receptive retinal cells. An adult Marine has far better eyesight than a normal human, and can see in low light conditions almost as well as in daylight.

Phase 11 � Lyman's Ear. This organ enables a Marine to consciously enhance and even filter certain types of background noise. Not only is hearing improved, but a Marine cannot become dizzy or nauseous as a result of extreme disorientation. Lyman's ear is externally indistinguishable from a normal human ear.

Phase 12 � Sus-an Membrane. This flat, circular organ is implanted over the top of the exposed brain. It then grows into the brain tissue until completely merged. The organ is ineffective without subsequent chemical therapy and training. However, a properly tutored Marine may then enter into a state of suspended animation. This may be a conscious action, or may happen automatically in the event of extreme physical trauma. In this condition, a Marine may survive for many years, even if bearing otherwise fatal injuries. Only appropriate chemical therapy and auto-suggestion can revive a Marine from this state � a Marine cannot revive himself. The longest known period of deanimation followed by successful reanimation is 567 years in the case of brother Silas Err of the Dark Angels (d.321 M.37).

Phase 13 � Melanochrome, or Melanochromic Organ. This organ is hemispherical and black. It functions in an indirect and extremely complicated manner. It monitors radiation levels and types bombarding the skin, and if necessary, sets off chemical reactions to darken the skin to protect it from ultraviolet exposure. It also provides limited protection from other forms of radiation. Differing melanochrome organ gene-seed from Chapter to Chapter leads to variations in skin and hair colour, and in some Chapters all of the Marines may have identical coloration, such as is found in the albino warriors of the Death Spectres Chapter.

Phase 14 � Oolitic Kidney. This red-brown and heart shaped organ improves and modifies the Marine's circulatory system enabling other implants to function effectively. The oolitic kidney also filters blood extremely efficiently and quickly. The secondary heart and oolitic kidney are able to act together, performing an emergency detoxification program in which the Marine is rendered unconscious as his blood is circulated at high speed. This enables a Marine to survive poisons and gases which are otherwise too much for even the multi-lung to cope with.

Phase 15 � Neuroglottis. Although the preomnor protects a Marine from digesting anything too deadly, the neuroglottis enables him to assess a potential food by taste. The organ is implanted into the back of the mouth. By chewing, or simply by tasting, a Marine can detect a wide variety of natural poisons, some chemicals and even the distinctive odours of some creatures. To some degree, a Marine is also able to track a target by taste alone.

Phase 16 � Mucranoid. This small organ is implanted in the lower intestine where its hormonal secretions are absorbed by the colon. These secretions initiate a modification of the sweat glands. This modification normally makes no difference to the Marine until activated by appropriate chemotherapy. As a result of this treatment, the Marine sweats an oily, naturally cleansing substance which coats the skin. This protects the Marine against extremes of temperature and even offers a slight degree of protection in vacuum. Mucranoid chemotherapy is standard procedure on long space voyages and when fighting in vacuum or near vacuum.

Phase 17 � Betcher's Gland. Two of these identical glands are implanted, either into the lower lip, alongside the salivary glands or into the hard palette. Betcher's gland works in a similar way to the poison gland of venomous reptiles by synthesising and storing deadly poison. Marines are rendered immune to this poison by virtue of the gland's presence. The gland allows the Marine to spit a blinding contact poison. The poison is also corrosive. A Marine imprisoned behind iron bars could easily chew his way out given a few hours.

Phase 18 � Progenoids. There are two of these glands, one situated in the neck, the other deep within the chest cavity. These glands are important to the survival of the Marine's Chapter. Each organ grows within the Marine, absorbing hormonal stimuli and genetic material from the other implants. After five years, the neck gland is mature and ready for removal. After ten years, the chest gland becomes mature and is also ready for removal. A gland may be removed any time after it has matured. These glands represent a Chapter's only source of gene-seed. When mature, each gland contains a single gene-seed corresponding to each zygote implanted into the recipient Marine. Once removed by surgery, the progenoid must be carefully prepared, its individual gene-seeds checked for mutation, and sound gene-seeds stored. Gene-seeds can be stored indefinitely under suitable conditions.

Phase 19 � Black Carapace. This is the last and the most distinctive implant. It looks like a film of black plastic when it's growing in the tanks. This is removed from its culture-solution and cut into sheets which are implanted directly beneath the skin of the Marine's torso. Within a few hours the tissue expands, hardens on the outside, and sends invasive neural bundles deep inside the Marine. After several months the carapace will have fully matured and the recipient is then fitted with neural sensors and transfusion points cut into the hardened carapace. These artificial 'plug-in' points mesh with features integral to the powered armour, such as the monitoring, medicinal and maintenance units. Without the benefit of a black carapace, a Space Marine's armour is relatively useless

STAGES IN THE SPACE MARINE INITIATION

Phase
Implant
Age range for implantation
Notes

1
Secondary Heart
10-14 years
Phases 1-3 can be introduced at the same time.

2
Ossmodula
10-12 years

3
Biscopea
10-12 years

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

4
Haemastamen
12-14 years
Phases 4-5 can be introduced at the same time.

5
Larraman's organ
12-13 years

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

6
Catalepsean node
14-17 years
Hypnotherapy begins.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

7
Preomnor
14-16 years
Phases 7-9 are usually introduced simultaneously.

8
Omophagea
14-16 years

9
Multi-lung
14-16 years

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

10
Occulobe
14-16 years

11
Lyman's ear
14-16 years

12
Sus-an membrane
15-16 years

13
Melanochrome
15-16 years

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

14
Oolitic kidney
15-16 years
Phases 14-15 may be introduced at the same time.

15
Neuroglottis
15-16 years

16
Mucranoid
16 years

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

17
Betcher's gland
16-17 years

18
Progenoids
16-18 years

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

19
Carapace
16-18 years
Final implant.

RECRUITMENT AND INITIATION
The various implants cause vital changes in a Marine's physique and mental state. Many of these changes are controlled by natural hormonal secretions and growth patterns. Implants may not prove effective, or may not become fully functional, if they are carried out once the recipient has reached certain stages of natural development. It is therefore inevitable that recruits must be reasonably young. Tissue compatibility is also essential, otherwise organs may fail to develop properly.

The third consideration is mental suitability. The catalepsean node, occulobe, and sus-an membrane will only develop to a useable condition under the stimulus of hypnotic-suggestion. A recruit must therefore be susceptible to this particular treatment.

These considerations mean that only a small proportion of people can become Space Marines. They must be male because zygotes are keyed to male hormones and tissue types, hence the need for tissue compatibility tests and psychological screening. If these tests prove successful, a candidate becomes a neophyte. With the completion of organ implantation and attendant chemical and hypnotic training, the subject becomes an initiate. An initiate receives training before joining the ranks as a full brother. A Marine usually joins the ranks between the ages of 16-18, but such are the hormonal changes induced by the process of creating a Space Marine that recruits are physically fully grown before then. Pressures during wartime may accelerate the process.

PSYCHO-CHEMICAL AND OTHER CONDITIONING
Implantation goes hand-in-hand with chemical treatment, psychological conditioning and subconscious hypnotherapy. All of these are essential if the Marine is to develop properly.

Chemical treatment � Until his initiation, a Marine must submit to constant tests and examinations. The newly implanted organs must be monitored very carefully, imbalances corrected, and any sign of corrupt development treated. This chemical treatment is reduced after completion of the initiation process, but it never ends. Marines undergo periodic treatment for the rest of their lives in order to maintain a stable metabolism. This is why their power armour suits contain monitoring equipment and drug dispensers.

Hypnotherapy � As the super-enhanced body grows, the recipient must learn how to use his new skills. Some of the implants, specifically the Phase 6 and 10 implants, can only function once correct hypnotherapy has been administered. Hypnotherapy is not always as effective as chemical treatment, but it can have substantial results. If a Marine can be taught how to control his own metabolism, his dependence on drugs is lessened. The process is undertaken in a machine called a hypnomat. Marines are placed in a state of hypnosis and subjected to visual and aural images in order to awaken their minds to their unconscious metabolic processes.

Training � Physical training stimulates the implants and allows them to be tested for effectiveness.

Indoctrination � A Marine is more than a human with extraordinary powers. Marines have extraordinary minds as well! Just as their bodies receive 19 separate implants, so their minds are altered to release the latent powers within. These mental powers are, if anything, more extraordinary than even the physical powers described previously. For example, a Marine can control his senses and nervous system to a remarkable degree, and can consequently endure pain that would kill an ordinary man. A Marine can also think and react at lightning speeds. Memory training is an important part of the indoctrination too. Some Marines develop photographic memories. Obviously, Marines vary in intelligence as do other men, and their individual mental abilities vary in degree. And thus is born another of the Imperium's finest warriors, an adamantium link in the armour of the Imperium.

"This is where the main implantation takes place," announced Malus, gesturing to a wide steel table that looked more like a torture device than surgical apparatus. Various bindings of differing sizes were chained to its surface, along with a complex mechanism of blades, saws and drills which hung on a hydraulic arm over the operating table. The floor around its feet, which the Inquisitor noted were bolted into the flagstones, was stained dark red from centuries of spilt blood.

"Rest assured, we are most vigilant in our ablutions and the maintenance of cleanliness,�� Malus told the Inquisitor, noticing his gaze on the discoloured flags. "Many of the organs must be implanted whilst the subject is in a fully coherent status, and there can be much pain, more than we can compensate for with pharmaceuticals."

"I see," the Inquisitor replied after a moment�s thought, his hand resting on a great iron ring protruding from the bench, positioned to grip the occupant�s chest.

"And where do you keep the gene-seed before it is implanted?" he asked, turning to face Malus.

The Apothecary gestured to a massive reinforced door behind the Inquisitor. Coils of pipes ran through the walls, and large runes of Varsavian script were painted in red across the door lintel.

"Afraid it will get stolen?" the Inquisitor commented sarcastically, pointing towards the heavy barring on the portal.

"No, Inquisitor," Malus replied heavily. "The gene-seed storage facility is the most heavily armoured location in the fortress-monastery, even including the arsenal. If the monastery is destroyed, it will survive and the Silver Skulls can be reborn in the future. We do not take any risks with that."

2005-09-03T18:19:00.000+08:00

things that Hollywood has taught me about how to pick up girls:

1. Steal cars. Nothing "drives" a woman into "high gear" faster than a man who can use automobile terms in his sexual innuendo.

2. Carry a giant sword, kill thousands of British soldiers, and threaten to kill the woman's husband, the heir to the throne of England.

3. Replace your weak human skeleton with a cybernetic skeleton, travel back in time, and try to kill the woman. When that fails, travel back in time again except this time, protect her son from mercury poisoning.

4. Go to prison for five years and when you get out, rob her boyfriend's casino of one hundred sixty million dollars.

5. Do not have a job. Instead, travel along a river and play guitar. Also, grow your hair into a pony tail and have constant stubble. Having previously been an undercover cop in a high school helps.

6. Kill a New York police captain, run to Italy, find a girl walking down the street, then go tell her father that you want to marry her or you will kill him. When you are through with her, blow her up with a car bomb.

7. Carry a guitar case full of guns and kill every man you see. Apparently, when you are finished, she will have no choice but to be with you.

8. Sneak your way onto a giant boat, make up some bullshit about being able to fly, and then freeze to death in the arctic ocean.

9. Grab a friend, sing a song to a stranger, then follow her into the bathroom and offer to have sex with her on the sink. It also helps if you have previously been a pimp, race car driver, or spy.

and the absolute best way of picking up chicks...

10. If the woman's father doesn't like you, bring him to an orbiting asteroid, set a nuclear weapon, then take off before he can make it back to the ship.

2005-08-27T18:30:00.000+08:00

ARMY WISDOM

"Aim towards the enemy."
Instruction printed on Rocket Launcher.

When the pin is pulled, Mr Grenade is not our friend.

Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground.

If the enemy is in range, so are you.

A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what is left of your unit.

It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.

Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo.

Tracers work both ways.

Five-second fuses only last three seconds.

Any ship can be a minesweeper... once.

Do not draw fire; it irritates the people around you.

If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him.

2005-08-19T22:38:00.000+08:00

The best batch ever!

2005-08-15T20:35:00.000+08:00

DARK JUDO

The symbol of dark judo is an eight-pointed star with an eye in the center. The eight arrows represent the four attack points ( the chin, elbows, knees and body weight)
and the four weak points ( face,inner arm, back of the knee, and ribcage) of the human body. The eye represents the constant watchfulness of the dark judoka to prevent detection by others.
The aim of dark judo is to use the four attack points to stike or apply force on the weak points of the opponent.
Beware of dark judokas, they are highly skilled, for a novice would not survive long if he were to practice dark judo. Dark judo goes against the very philosophy of judoism.Rather than seeking to use the other's force against him in self defense,the dark judoka aims to enrage his opponent, weaken him, and injure him. For in choosing to walk down this path , dark judokas have chosen to give up their respect for a worthy opponent, to give up their humanity. A dark judoka is doomed to forever walk alone , for all dark judokas live in contempt even for each other. Such is the corruption the path leads to.
For though they may win, they gain no satisfaction in victory,nor take pride in a successful throw, for they were won through the pain of others, not of their own determination or skill. In the end, their greed for victory that led them to this path has betrayed them, for once they step onto the path to dark judo, there is no other way they know. Thus, they are trapped for eternity, with nothing but empty victories and hollow glory.(note to sji/cj judokas: this is just a fictional piece. if anyone is caught trying to injure someone else, i will get very angry. and you won't like me when i'm angry.)

2005-08-13T21:12:00.000+08:00

latin transalations from harry potter

Hogawarts school motto- draco dormiens nunquam titillandus-never tickle a sleeping dragon

voldemort- volatus mortalis- flying death

cruciatus,crucio- torture, to torment

imperius- to give an order

inferius- inferus -the dead, of the underworld

draco malfoy- draco maleficum- evil dragon

accio- to call, summon

horcrux- horrificus crux - terrible torture

severus(snape) - severe

minerva (mcgongall) -roman godess of wisdom, patroness of science and the arts

filius (flitwick) - son

argus (filch) - the hundred eyed guardian

felix felicis- felix felicitas - lucky lucky :P

bellatrix (lestrange) - warrior

sectumsempra - sectura semper - always cutting

rubeus (hagrid) - bramble

protego (shield charm) - cover in front

sirius (black) - the constellation of the dog

Regulus (sirius' bro) - prince

albus dumbledore- albus dum dormitum -the pale one sleeps not

2005-08-08T20:21:00.000+08:00

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants over 100%. How about achieving 103%? Here's a little maths which might prove helpful.

What makes life 100%?

If:

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H A R D W O R K = 8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98%

K N O W L E D G E = 11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96%

But,

A T T I T U D E = 1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100%

And,

B U L L S H I T = 2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103%

So, it stands to reason that hard work and knowledge will get you close, attitude will get you there, and bullshit will put you over the top.

But, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A S S K I S S I N G = 1 19 19 11 9 19 19 9 14 7 = 118%

So the next time someone asks you to give more than 100%, you know what is required of you.

2005-08-06T20:24:00.000+08:00

nifty comic www.sluggy.com

2005-07-29T17:45:00.000+08:00

The Medic (sequel to "the sniper")

a good medic make can save many lives on a battlefield

a bad medic can kill more soldiers than the enemy does

a kind medic would shoot a soldier who has no hope of surviving

a bastard medic would recommend castration, then tell the soldier he was only joking and nothing could be done to save him, thus wasting the last seconds of his life

a smart medic would stay away from the front lines

a dumb medic would use his painkillers to get high, then try to juggle 3 armed grenades

an sji medic would be too busy trying to sell off his painkillers to his platoon mates to help anyone

a hci medic would be too busy cheering on his comrades to help anyone

an ri medic is too busy mugging for his first aid test to help anyone

there is no such thing as an ac medic because they are all proper doctors

a cjc medic would be the ones helping people, but not very much (see entry on bad medic)

2005-07-23T21:16:00.000+08:00

Confusus speaks: on marriage

- man who is not married is incomplete. when he gets married, then he is really finished

- 7 days of honeymoon makes one whole weak

- man who not speak to wife for one week not like to interrupt people who are talking

- marriage is the cause of all divorces

- man should always hold hands of wife. otherwise, she starts shopping

- man who keeps calling wife darling has forgotten her name

- wise man shuts up when he is wrong.married man shuts up when he is right

- marriage like game of poker.. start with pair end up with full house

- in marriage there are three rings- engagement ring, wedding ring and suffering

- A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

-Married men lived longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

-marriage is not a word, but a sentence. a life sentence

- Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock

2005-07-12T19:02:00.000+08:00

Confusus speaks: on suicide

-people who commit suicide deserve to die

-person who tries to set himself on fire is flaming idiot

-man who stab himself is bloody fool

-man who try to drown himself should go jump in lake

-person who tries to strangle himself ought to be hanged

-person who leap off building is jumping to conclusions

-man who puts gun to head ought to be shot

-man who overdose on sleeping pills should be put down

-man who wants to kill himself should just go get a woman to do it for him

2005-07-08T17:57:00.000+08:00

another 5 signs you have a bad referee:

- he has spectacles thicker than the mats you are standing on

- he considers it a hold as long as your opponent is lying on top of you

- he considers any throw that does not knock your opponent unconcious not to count

- he disqualifies you when try to enter a throw "overaggresive"

- he starts gving tips to your opponent on how to beat you

2005-07-04T16:04:00.000+08:00

Things That are Impossible to Do With One Hand in a Sling

-eat chilli crab

-tie your shoelaces

-tie a tie

-drive

-play cs

-do judo

-do jumping jacks

- wipe your spectacles

- give a hug :(

and finally..

- meet someone without them asking what happened

2005-07-02T11:52:00.000+08:00

10 SIGNS YOU HAVE A BAD REFEREE IN A JUDO COMPETITION

10) The referee borrows a pair of glasses from the corner judge.

9) The referee argues about whether he can bring his walker on the mat.

8) Your opponent's sleeves are folded up to the elbows, and the referee doesn't notice.

7) The referee keeps going up to Japanese fans and asking if they are jigoro kano.

6) He still thinks the pistol grip refers to a technique in fencing.

5) Your opponent has gotten up 3 times before the referee decides that the first throw scored ippon.

4) The score reaches 3 waza-ari to 2 waza-ari, and you're still fighting.

3) Instead of saying "osaekome", the referee slaps his hand on the mat shouting "one, two, three, you're out!".

2) During meetings the referee and corner judges exchange money.

and the number one sign you've got a bad referee...

1) After the match, the referee can't find his shoes.

2005-06-28T09:23:00.000+08:00

shuaige

2005-06-25T20:56:00.000+08:00

Requirements of a judo black belt:

Must be able to walk on water (while it is in liquid form).

Must be able to disable a man using only a Kleenex tissue as a weapon.

Must be able to make up meaningless Zen koans on the spot.

Must be able to catch a fly with chopsticks.

Must be able to defeat multiple masked ninja movie warriors after they disclose their evil plans to you and leave you to die in an easily escapable situation.

Must be able to voice over a Godzilla movie properly (i.e. coordination between the movement of the lips and the voice).

Must be able to take a bullet (not in the chest of course but maybe in the foot or something).

Must be able to make your own nuclear device with a piece of bubble gum, a pencil, some coconuts, and an alarm clock.

Must be able to change into a judogi in a phone booth at any given moment.

Must be able to sing Karaoke.

Must be able to use nature to your advantage (e.g. sick a dog on the enemy, throw stones at him, climb a tree and hide...)

Must be able to fight blindfolded and win (against blind competitors of course).

Must have completed a course in "Basic Samurai Sushi".

Must be able to choreograph street fights for Jackie Chan movies.

Must be able to keep all bleeding internal.

Must be able to trim an entire forest into a bonsai garden in 25 minutes or less.

2005-06-24T11:05:00.000+08:00

we’d like to honour the great contributions mothers have made over the years with this special commemorative list of quotations from mothers of famous people.

Sir Thomas Stamford Raffles’ Mother:
“Not say I say what, Tommy, but they’re sculpting a statue of you, so can you please stand properly and not look like such a ya ya papaya?”

The Merlion’s Mother:
“Ah Boy, where you learn this dirty habit of spitting in public? If tourist come and see you doing this, then how? They’ll think this whole country is full of uncouth samsengs!”

Sang Nila Utama’s Mother:
“You saw a lion? Sayang, how many times must I tell you, go out that time, must wear your glasses.”

Admiral Cheng Ho’s Mother:
“Neh’mine… go on cruise, never invite your mother. Even postcard also never send. Neh’mine!”

American Idol Judge Simon Cowell’s Mother:
“Say some more! You say some more, I wash your mouth out with belacan, then you tzai si!”

Michelangelo's Mother:
"Mikey, you got any idea how hard it is to get paint off the ceiling? I buy you all those drawing block for what?!"

Batman's Mother:
"Ah Bruce, why must you be so show-off? What’s wrong with a nice, simple Toyota?"

Mary's Mother:
"Mary, I'm not upset your lamb followed you to school. But what I want to know is how come he can score better than you in Chinese."

Humpty Dumpty’s Mother:
“Kay kiang, go and sit on the wall again, lah! Not say I never tell you right? Or-bi-good!”

Albert Einstein’s Mother:
“How can you go out with your hair like that? People say you so clever, but use gel also donno!”

Thomas Edison’s Mother:
“Yes, yes, yes… you invented the lightbulb. Very smart. Now faster off it and go to sleep, can?”

Winnie the Pooh’s Mother:
“Winnie… can you please put on some pants! Otherwise our neighbours see you like that, I sure kena tekan for child abuse!”

2005-06-20T20:50:00.000+08:00

MORE ANAGRAMS
edward benjamin douglas rabot: adam's job - go adult breadwinner!

hive fleet carnage: hee Cantilever fag

russell peters: resultless rep

judo master: o - just armed

mark goh boon leng - KGB halogen moron

lau yu don, judo berserker- you loud barren used jerk

for the greater good- the retrograde goof

ang xin hui's my lucky niece- icy lie,sexy hunk,gun manic ( ya i know it doesn't make much sense)

2005-06-19T09:55:00.000+08:00

the things we do in ltc... a.ho:" what're YOU lookin' at punk?!??!

2005-06-14T09:55:00.000+08:00

the things we do in ltc... (yes that is nelson)

anagrams

2005-06-12T14:49:00.000+08:00

Anagrams

elvis live: evil lives

natasha: ah satan

the evil one comes: violence, smote he

irving: virgin

alvin chan wei ming: hangin'? man we civil!

nelson lee yan loo: none lonely as leo

chong chao wei: china chow ego!

space marine: airspace men

jedi master yoda: my jade asteroid

tan mei ling: tag! i'm Lenin!

ong pei chien: hi, genie on pc

daphne lim pei ying : ye hi, i england pimp

anakin skywalker: alas! kinky wanker

horus, emperor of man:amorphous err of men

revenge of the sith: these the forgiven

2005-06-07T23:44:00.000+08:00

"Remember. In a culture run amuck with mass commercialism and pop trend-chasing, it's imperative to not only remember where we've come from, but where we're at, and where we're headed."

"You know where you are? You're in the jungle baby!" Axl Rose

Asking for directions,